


The Birds and the Bees

by bellacatbee



Series: The Seeds of Love Verse [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Assault, Domestic, Infertility, M/M, Mpreg, Rimming, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 14:06:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/868434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellacatbee/pseuds/bellacatbee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Castiel are living together with their young son, Jimmy. They’re both eager to try for another child. At first, it seems as if it should be easy, but as the months tick by and Castiel still isn’t pregnant, Dean begins to suspect that there might be something wrong, either with their relationship or with Dean himself.</p><p>Castiel is spending more time at work with his new boss, Crowley and less time at home with Dean. Castiel won’t listen to Dean’s jealous dislike of the man, even agreeing to go away to a conference with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Birds and the Bees

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the Seeds of Love Verse but you don’t have to have read to have read the other parts to enjoy this. Each story is a standalone. 
> 
> Thank you to Diminuel for the gorgeous art work and to Casness for the beta!
> 
> The Crowley/Castiel aspect is one-sided.

 

Dean woke up with a start, throwing his arm across his face to hide his eyes from the sunlight shining through the gap in the curtains. He rolled onto his side, groaning as he realized he wouldn’t be getting back to sleep now the sun was up, and he looked at the clock on the bedside table. It was 6:15. Castiel needed to be at work for 9am, but that meant they had a few hours yet before either of them needed to get up. He rolled over again, nuzzling up to Castiel still sleeping form.

 

“Wake up, baby,” he murmured, spooning up behind Castiel and kissing the back of his neck.

 

“What’s the time?” Castiel muttered sleepily.

 

“We’ve got a few hours yet,” Dean said quietly, starting to slide a hand into Castiel’s pyjama pants. Castiel’s cock was already half-hard and Dean wrapped his fingers around it, stroking slowly. “You’re so beautiful, Cas. We’ve got time, haven’t we?”

 

Castiel whimpered softly, pushing up into Dean’s hand. “Maybe, but Dean, what if Jimmy wakes up?”

 

“He’s not going to wake up, it’s too early,” Dean said, grinding his hips down against Castiel’s ass.

 

“Dean…” Castiel whined, although he was already grinding back against Dean’s slowly hardening cock. He was obviously interested, even if he wasn’t completely convinced that they’d remain uninterrupted.

 

Morning sex was a rare treat for the two of them. Living with a bouncy three year old didn’t leave either of them with much free time or energy. Castiel worked full-time and while Dean had cut down to part-time hours, he spent the rest of his time watching Jimmy and being a house-husband.

 

If anyone had told him three years ago that Castiel would be the main breadwinner and Dean would be the stay at home dad, he wouldn’t have believed them. He liked getting to spend so much time with Jimmy. He liked being able to take his son out to the park and then come home and have dinner ready on the table for Castiel.

 

It was a good life and the only thing that could make it better, at least in Dean’s opinion, was a little bit more free time to spend with Castiel. It looked like this morning, at least, he was going to get his chance.

 

“Daddy!”

 

The bedroom door burst open. Castiel rolled straight out of Dean’s arms and almost off the bed. Dean pulled the covers up over his head, his erection wilting. The promise of morning sex had been completely and irrevocably ruined. It couldn’t be more than 6:20 by now. How could Jimmy be up so early?

 

He peeked out from under the covers in time to see Jimmy stubbornly trying to climb up on the bed with them. He reached out, picking his son up and settled him down in between himself and Castiel.

 

“We need to teach you to knock,” he said, poking Jimmy in his stomach but the little boy only giggled.

 

 

“I suppose we should get up,” Castiel said. He stood up, tugging the blanket with him. He held it protectively in front of himself. “I need the shower first.”

 

“Right,” Dean agreed, ginning. He scooped Jimmy up in his arms. “I’ll get breakfast ready.”

 

**

 

By the time Castiel came downstairs, washed, dressed and no longer flustered, Dean had got a whole spread laid out. There was toast, bacon, waffles and some cereal for Jimmy who was going through a phase and didn’t like hot food in the morning.

 

Dean poured Castiel a cup of coffee and gave him a kiss on the cheek. It was sappy and sentimental but it was also just what he’d always imagined living with the person he loved would be like. Admittedly, in most of those fantasies it had been Dean who’d been getting the kiss on the cheek with breakfast all ready for him, but he liked his life the way it was now. Reality was better than any fantasy had ever been.

 

He poured some orange juice into Jimmy’s cup, the one that had trains on it that he liked at breakfast time, and then sat down, ready to tuck in to the fruits of his labor.

 

He got one bite of bacon in his mouth when the doorbell went. Sighing, Dean got to his feet, motioning for Castiel to stay and finish eating. He’d have to head off to work soon enough and even these few minutes were precious time with Jimmy he wouldn’t have otherwise. Dean wasn’t in any rush; he’d have the rest of the day with their son. It made sense he was the one who answered the door. He padded down the hallway to the front door, wondering how much of a mess he looked since he hadn’t had the chance to jump in the shower or change out of his pyjamas.

 

He yanked open the front door, expecting to see the postman but the person standing on the doorstep was his brother Adam, his arms full of an unimpressed looking little baby girl who he was jiggling up and down. There was bag slung over his shoulder, weighing him down on one side.

 

 

“I know this is earlier than we agreed,” he said. “But I’ve been called into work. I had to wake Eve up and she’s being grumpy.”

 

“It’s fine, Adam. You didn’t wake me up. We’ve been up for a while. Pass her over,” Dean said, holding his arms out to take his niece. Adam passed her over carefully. Dean held Eve close to his chest, murmuring softly to her but she didn’t look pleased. “I might put her down for a nap.”

 

“Oh and here’s her bag,” Adam said, shrugging the bag off his shoulder and placing it down in front of Dean’s feet. “It’s got her bottle and nappies, a change of clothes and Michael put in some flashcards.”

 

“Flashcards?” Dean asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Yes. Mostly it’s just numbers and letters. It’s not too early for her to start learning those things. Michael’s been reading books on child development and he says we should get Eve started now. She’s got a lot of untapped potential.”

 

“Michael does know she’s a baby, right?” Dean asked. “She’s supposed to be growing up, not worrying about college applications just yet.”

 

“It’s his way of showing he cares,” Adam said, reaching out to stroke Eve’s cheek. “You be a good little girl for Uncle Dean.”

 

Dean rolled his eyes. He doubted Eve would be a good girl, especially not if she’d been woken up before she was ready. She was the grumpiest baby Dean had ever known. Adam had managed to persuade Dean that, since he’d be at home anyway, he might as well kill two birds with one stone and look after Jimmy and Eve together. It wasn’t as if Michael and Adam couldn’t afford to send Eve to day-care but they both preferred her being looked after by a family member. Dean knew if the situations were reversed and he had to go to work, he would have wanted family looking after Jimmy.

 

“Have a good day at work, Adam,” he said, shooing his brother off his doorstep and shutting the door.

 

He carried Eve into the kitchen, leaving the bag with her things at the front door. Right now, all Eve needed was to have a little nap and she could doze against Dean’s shoulder while he finished his breakfast. He sat back down, reaching for his fork and started stabbing at the bacon on his plate, trying to eat as quickly as he could.

 

“Eve!” Jimmy said, abandoning his cereal in favor of reaching out for his cousin. He was much too small to hold Eve and Dean knew she wasn’t in any mood for a nosy little boy trying to play with her. He put his finger to his lips, motioning for Jimmy to be quite.

 

“Eve needs to sleep,” he said. “She’s going to take a nap while you have you bath.”

 

Jimmy pouted, picking up his spoon and returning to his cereal. It was uncanny how much he mimicked Sam when he did that. Castiel said pouting like that was something Dean did too when he wasn’t getting his own way, but to Dean it looked exactly like Sam.

 

It always took his breath away when he noticed mannerisms like that. Sometimes Jimmy would cock his head to the side and he’d look so much like Castiel that it made Dean’s heart ache. Sometimes Eve would fix him with her bright green eyes and Dean would feel as if he was engaged in a staring match with Michael and not his diminutive daughter.

 

Castiel looked down at his watch, sighing and pushed his chair back.

 

“I’ve got to go,” he said. He picked up his empty plate and cup, placing them in the sink and then rounded the table, kissing first Jimmy and then Dean. “Be good for daddy,” he told Jimmy sternly. He gave Eve a kiss on the top of her head and she responded with a miserable grumble.

 

“You just be good,” he said and Dean didn’t know if Castiel was talking to him or to Eve.

 

“Bye, Cas,” Dean said, turning just in time to catch Castiel and pull him down for another kiss.

 

“Bye, dad!” Jimmy said, waving. Castiel waved back, pausing for a moment to grab his brief case from the corner of the room where he’d left it the night before and then he was gone.

 

Dean stared at the breakfast plates, jiggling Eve gently. He wasn’t looking forward to washing up but he could do that later. He’d put Eve down for a nap and he’d get Jimmy ready and then they could do the washing up together. He’d put Jimmy on drying duty and just give him the unbreakable plastic plates and cups.

 

“You finished?” he asked Jimmy.

 

Jimmy put his spoon in his mouth and shook his head.

 

“Right,” Dean said. He leaned back in his chair, rubbing Eve’s back as she grizzled low in his ear.

 

**

 

Dean had just finished setting the table when the front door opened. He looked up, although he already knew who it was going to be. It was gone 7:00 and Dean had had to put Jimmy to bed an hour ago, but that had left him with some free time to catch up on the episodes of Dr Sexy he’d missed.  He’d made dinner, nothing more fancy than pasta with a fresh tomato sauce, but he’d set out plates and glasses, even lit a candle in anticipation of Castiel’s arrival.

 

Castiel walked through the door, looking exhausted, but he brightened when he saw the table.

 

“Dean? You didn’t have to do this,” he said.

 

Dean stepped behind him, helping Cas to take his coat off and hung it up, before ushering Castiel to his seat.

 

“Yes, I did. I know they’re working you hard, Cas.”

 

“It’s an important client,” Castiel said, sitting down and sighing, relaxing back into his chair.

 

“I don’t care how important the client is. They’re still working you too hard.”

 

“Just think about the money,” Castiel said, reaching out to pick up his glass. Dean had already filled it with sparkling water. “We’ll have enough for a great holiday this year.”

 

“I don’t want a holiday,” Dean said. He picked up the pan full of pasta and ladled out a portion on to Castiel’s plate. Castiel looked up at him, his expression hurt and Dean hurried to explain what he meant. “A holiday is nice, Cas, but I was thinking of something else we could afford with that money.”

 

He filled his own plate and put the pan back on the stove.

 

Castiel looked at him interestedly.

 

“We’re not starting a classic car collection, if that’s what you want to spend the money on.”

 

“No,” Dean said, laughing. He sat down, reaching across the table to take Castiel’s hand. He swallowed hard, the words stuck in his throat and difficult to get out. He’d been thinking about this for a while but this was the first time he’d be sure enough to actually come out and ask Castiel what he thought about the idea. “I was thinking that maybe we could have another baby.”

 

He watched Castiel’s face closely, watched the surprise and then delight that crossed over his face.

 

“Really?” he asked.

 

“Yeah. I mean, I think we’re ready. Jimmy’s going to start school next year and the house is going to feel pretty empty. I know I could go back to work full time but I like being at home. I like looking after you and Jimmy. Plus, I think Jimmy would love having a little brother or sister. He thinks Eve’s amazing. I mean, the age gap between them would be about right and it wouldn’t be too much for us to deal with. What do you think?”

 

 

“I think you’ve been planning this,” Castiel said, smiling. He gave Dean’s hand a squeeze then let go and picked up his fork. “I’ve been thinking about it too.”

 

“Yeah?” Dean said, too excited about the idea of them trying for another child to consider eating. Castiel twirled his fork round in his pasta, taking a bite and chewing quickly. He swallowed and nodded.

 

“I’ve been thinking about the things we missed out on when I was pregnant with Jimmy. I thought it would be good to have you around this time. I’m expecting backrubs and foot rubs.”

 

Dean reached out for his glass of water, swallowing a mouthful of it. His throat was suddenly dry. He knew he’d missed out on too much. It was only good fortune that saw him there when Jimmy was born. He wanted the whole experience with Castiel. He wanted to be there throughout every moment – through the conception, the morning sickness, the trips to the doctor. He wanted to be by Castiel’s side, supporting him and helping him through, till Castiel gave birth to their new baby.

 

“I’m looking forward to all of it. All the backrubs and foot rubs. I’m even looking forward to you waking me up in the middle of the night and demanding I go and get you pickles and ice cream.”

 

Castiel smiled at him. It made Dean want to carry him straight up stairs and forget all about dinner.

 

“That isn’t all I’m looking forward to, Cas,” he said, his voice lowering. “I’m looking forward to getting you knocked up and I’m looking forward to you getting all hot and horny for me when you’re pregnant.”

 

“Dean!” Castiel said, sounding shocked, but he was still smiling. “I’m looking forward to that too,” he whispered.

 

“So, you want to start trying tonight?” Dean asked hopefully. His appetite was back with a vengeance and he tucked into his pasta, knowing he had to keep his strength up now if he and Castiel were going to be trying for a new baby.

 

“We can have sex but I’m still on birth control, Dean,” Castiel said.

 

“Right,” Dean said. He knew Castiel was taking a pill. He’d started right after Jimmy was born, once they’d started having sex again and it had become obvious that they needed some form of protection. “Can’t you just stop taking your pills?”

 

“I’ve already taken the one for today, Dean, and even if I hadn’t, the hormones aren’t going to be out of my blood stream in one day. I should make an appointment with Adam, he’ll be able to give us some advice and he’ll know how long it will be before we can start trying in earnest.”

 

“I hate that my little brother knows about our sex life,” Dean grumbled, stabbing at his pasta.

 

“Adam can’t tell anyone.”

 

“That doesn’t mean I like him knowing.”

 

“He’s a good doctor and I like him. Since I’m the one who’s going to be carrying this baby, I get to choose the doctor I see.”

 

Dean nodded. Castiel was right, of course. Having a baby took a toll on Castiel’s body and it was still dangerous, even if the science and medical care associated with male pregnancy had come on in leaps and bounds in the last couple of years. Anything that made it easier for Castiel was a good thing in Dean’s book. He’d take Adam’s knowing looks and his in-jokes. Castiel was right; Adam couldn’t tell anyone else that they were trying for a baby, even if he could tease Dean mercilessly every time he saw him on his own.

 

“Anything you want, Cas. I’m going to make sure you’re happy and comfortable the whole way through.”

 

Castiel swallowed his mouthful, looking thoughtful.

 

“You know, even if we can’t conceive right now, we can still practice.”

 

Dean grinned.

 

“I’ve heard practice makes perfect,” he agreed. He’d leave the plates in the sink. They would keep until the morning. The idea of getting Castiel pregnant, of doing it deliberately this time, rather than as a drunken mistake, turned him on so much. Dean didn’t want to wait.

 

“Shall we skip dinner?” Castiel asked. He looked down at his plate thoughtfully. “I don’t know if I should. I’ll be eating for two soon.” He looked up at Dean, his eyes sparkling, teasing.

 

“I’ll bring you a plate up when we’re finished,” Dean said, already half way out of his chair.

 

He grabbed hold of Castiel’s hand, pulling him up and they made their way upstairs, tiptoeing past Jimmy’s room. The last thing Dean wanted was to wake their son up. He knew Jimmy would want a story. He’d want to get into bed with them and cling to Castiel. He’d be miserable in the morning as well, not getting a full night’s sleep.

 

For once, Dean didn’t want to be interrupted when he finally had Castiel right where he wanted him.

 

Once they were inside their bedroom, Dean quietly but firmly shut the door while Castiel switched off the light. They undressed quickly, both skilled at finding their way around the bedroom in the dark. It was almost like a game, finding each other in the darkness, reaching for each other, grabbing and pulling till they tumbled down on to the bed.

 

Dean rolled them over until Castiel was underneath him, then he pinned him in place while he kissed down his body, over his chest, down to his stomach. He couldn’t wait till Castiel was pregnant, until he was swollen and full of Dean’s baby. He’d looked amazing before when he’d been pregnant with Jimmy. Dean hadn’t been able to keep his hands off him.

 

“You are going to look so good, Cas,” he murmured, pressing another kiss to Castiel’s stomach, his fingers tracing over the scar that had been left there after Castiel’s C-section. He knew he was asking a lot from Castiel, asking him to have another baby. There wasn’t only the pregnancy to consider, but the birth too. He couldn’t get over the fact that Castiel was willing to go through it all again. Dean nuzzled into his stomach, overwhelmed by how much he loved Castiel.

 

“Dean,” Castiel gasped, wiggling uncomfortably. “Will you please do something? When I’m pregnant, you can spend as much time stroking my stomach as you want. I’d like you to fuck me now.”

 

Dean licked his lips. He could feel his cock thickening. He always got hard when Castiel said things like that. It was so unusual and Dean loved that he could get Castiel desperate enough to demand.

 

“Don’t worry,” Dean said, nudging Castiel’s legs apart. “I’m going to fuck you. I’m going to fuck you so hard you can still feel it tomorrow. You’re gonna be at your desk at work, squirming and sore, wishing you were home with me so I could fuck you again.”

 

“Stop teasing!” Castiel grabbed hold of Dean’s shoulder, pushing him down, between his legs. “Dean, I mean it.”

 

“I know,” Dean said, grinning. He lowered his head, mouthing along Castiel’s cock. Castiel made a high-pitched sound, covering his mouth with his hand so it was muffled as best he could, but Dean still heard it. It made his cock jerk.

 

He liked to take his time with Castiel, liked to hold him down and leave bruises on his lovely pale skin, make Castiel come over and over again till he was completely wrecked but they didn’t always have the time for that luxury. They didn’t always have the time for every dirty fantasy in Dean’s book.

 

He abandoned Castiel’s cock, pushing Castiel’s legs up a little till he had a good view of Castiel’s hole, puckered up tight. It still amazed Dean how Castiel opened up to him. He always looked so tight, far too tight for Dean’s cock to fit in him, but with a little bit of coaxing, Castiel always relaxed for him. He moved forward, licking in long, wet stripes across Castiel’s hole. Castiel gasped, pushing his hips back against Dean’s seeking tongue.

 

There was a time when Dean couldn’t imagine himself ever having sex with a man, let alone rimming one, but Castiel had changed all of that. All Dean wanted to do was touch him, lick him, explore him completely and make Castiel his.

 

He kept licking, felt the way Castiel quivered and then opened to him and he fucked him with his tongue, pressing as deep as he could while Castiel moaned for him. Dean knew if he kept going, he could get Castiel to come like this. He loved those moments, feeling Castiel’s whole body shivering, feeling him go soft and pliant as he came. He wanted so badly to keep going, to fuck Castiel on his tongue till he pushed him over the edge, but that wasn’t what they’d planned. They were practicing to make a baby after all. Dean couldn’t exactly do that by rimming Castiel.

 

He pulled away, licking his lips and looked up at Castiel.  Castiel’s cheeks were flushed red, his lips were swollen and pink from where he’d been biting them, he looked like a wild thing, his eyes dark with lust.

 

“Dean, please,” he groaned. “I need you to fuck me.”

 

Dean nodded, scrambling out of bed quickly. They’d had to hide their lube, along with a few of the toys that Castiel owned, because Jimmy had started opening all the draws, intent on adventure and discovery. Everything was in a little box, hidden on the top shelf of the wardrobe. Dean pulled it down, finding the bottle of lubricant hidden under their emergency supply of condoms. He put the box back and hurried back to the bed, kneeling between Castiel’s spread legs.

 

He uncapped the bottle, pouring lube onto his fingers and fed them, two at once, into Castiel’s glistening wet hole. Castiel arched up, moaning, rolling his hips to fuck himself on Dean’s fingers. Dean pumped them in to him, making sure that he wasn’t going to hurt Castiel. He did want Castiel to feel him tomorrow, he wanted him to feel sore and ache in a good way, not because Dean had been careless with him. Castiel was so eager for him, clenching down on Dean’s fingers, rocking on to them. Dean thought he was ready, he certainly seemed like it.

 

“You want me, Cas?” he asked.

 

Castiel nodded his head, eyes shut tight.

 

“Please,” he whispered, sounding almost pained. Dean could see Castiel’s cock, heavy and leaking come, pressed against Castiel’s stomach. He wondered how close to the edge Castiel was. Probably too close for Dean to keep teasing him.

 

He pulled his fingers out of Castiel, enjoy the little whimper from Castiel’s lips at their loss. He poured more of the lubricant over his fingers, stroking his own painfully hard cock. He’d been neglecting himself, focused on Castiel and his pleasure, and when he touched himself his cock jerked in his hand, sending sparks up Dean’s spine. He needed to bury himself in Castiel, needed it just as much as Castiel did.

 

Dean capped the bottle of lubricant, dropping it on the floor, letting it roll under the bed as he dived back between Castiel’s legs, lining the head of his cock up against Castiel’s hole. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Castiel’s lips as he pushed forward, breeching him. He went slowly, just one long thrust until he bottomed out.

 

“That okay, Cas?” he asked, breaking their kiss to murmur it against his mouth.

 

“Yes,” Castiel said. He sighed softly, and Dean felt him relax. He wrapped his arms around Dean, holding him tightly. “Now fuck me, Dean. Please. Do it properly, you want to get me pregnant, right?”

 

Dean swallowed, his hips jerking forward, the whole thing involuntary, but he hadn’t been expecting those words to be so hot.

 

“Yeah,” he whispered, reaching between them to press his hand to Castiel’s stomach. “Got to get you knocked up.”

 

Castiel nodded, his breathing heavy and Dean got the feeling it was just as much of a turn on for Castiel as it was for him. He started to move properly, finding his rhythm. It was slower than he’d intended, little thrusts rather than a pounding. He kept kissing Castiel, kept nuzzling against his cheek, muttering about how beautiful Castiel was going to be, how he couldn’t wait till Castiel started to show.

 

Castiel made soft, encouraging noises, rolling his hips up to meet Dean’s thrusts, holding him close. It was the most gentle they’d been in months. Dean knew it couldn’t last forever. They were supposed to be fast; they were supposed to worry about waking up Jimmy. They hadn’t even pulled the covers up over them to hide themselves. It was all kinds of reckless, but with Castiel moaning in his ear, Dean didn’t want to think about what could possibly happen. He just wanted to keep sinking himself into Castiel’s willing, warm body.

 

 

“You know I love you, right? Don’t you, Cas?” he asked, bracing his feet against the bed, pushing deeper into Castiel. All he got back in response was a long, drawn out moan. Castiel tipped his head back, gasping breathlessly and Dean realized he was close. He wrapped his fingers around Castiel’s cock, stroking him in time with his thrusts.

 

Castiel wiggled on the bed, clenching down around Dean’s cock and that was it for Dean. His orgasm took him by surprise, sudden and unstoppable. He closed his eyes, biting down hard on his lip to stop himself crying out. He squeezed Castiel’s cock in his hand and felt hot, sticky come roll down over his fingers. He opened his eyes again, panting.

 

“Sorry, Cas, I wasn’t…”

 

“It’s fine,” Castiel gasped. “That was…it was…” He shook his head, lost for words.

 

“Yeah,” Dean said. He eased himself slowly out of Castiel, feeling a little unsteady on his legs. He flopped down on to his side, wishing he had a towel or something to clean up with. Dean lifted his hand to his mouth, licking Castiel’s come from it. He’d got used to the taste, which wasn’t something he’d ever expected. He rather liked the taste of it, salty and thick, on his tongue.

 

Castiel shifted, pulling at the covers. Dean helped him, moving so they could slide under together. He reached for Castiel, pulling the other man into his arms, resting their foreheads together.

 

“Don’t kiss me,” he said seriously. “I’ve got your come in my mouth.”

 

“You had your tongue in my ass and I still let you kiss me,” Castiel huffed, closing the gap between them to kiss Dean. “And I love you too.”

 

Dean grinned, settling back against the pillows, letting Castiel get comfortable against him. The bed was a bit of a mess, as were the two of them, but all Dean wanted to do was sleep. They could clean up in the morning. He had Castiel curled tight in his arms and that was all that mattered. That, and soon, Castiel would be pregnant again.

 

Dean looked forward to getting in a lot more practice before then.

 

**

 

Castiel managed to make an appointment for the Friday. Sitting in the waiting room of Adam’s office, he couldn’t help remembering another time he’d been sat there. It had been a completely different experience then. He’d sat in the hard plastic chair, Gabriel along with him for moral support, and dreaded the answer to the tests he was about to take.

 

He’d been terrified of finding out he was pregnant. Castiel had never factored being a single father into his future. At that time, Dean had been with someone else, a woman, and they’d had a one night stand that they’d both agreed was a mistake.

 

Looking back now, Castiel found it hard to believe they’d come so far. Dean was a wonderful father and a loving partner and Castiel couldn’t be happier. Dean had chosen Castiel and Jimmy over conformity and a life of passing as straight. Castiel could still remember how scared Dean had been at first, how unsure of himself and their relationship. That Dean was a pale shadow of the man he’d grown in to.

 

When he’d sat in the waiting room all those years ago, Castiel had never imagined Dean could fall in love with him. He’d never have thought he’d be living with Dean, raising their son together and planning another baby. He couldn’t stop smiling to himself.

 

Becky, the receptionist, kept looking at him, her eyebrow raised and Castiel knew she wanted to ask him what his appointment was about. He was surprised she was holding back, if he told the truth. Castiel almost wanted to tell her, almost wanted to share his excitement because he knew Becky would be happy for him, but he’d promised Dean that they’d keep it between themselves and select family until they’d conceived.

 

Adam would have to know, of course, being Castiel’s doctor. Dean would probably tell Sam, he told his brother almost everything. Castiel wondered if Sam would tell Gabriel. They were living together, after all. He’d never thought Gabriel could keep a secret, but Gabriel and Sam had both managed to hide the fact they knew about Jimmy’s paternity and Castiel’s affair with Dean until the whole thing came out in the open. Gabriel could, probably, be trusted to secrecy. He’d feel disappointed if he was left out.

 

The fewer people who knew they were trying for another baby, the safer. Castiel had no idea how long it would take. He’d fallen pregnant completely by accident the first time. He hadn’t been on any birth control. This time was different. Castiel didn’t want to deal with hopeful smiles and questions about how the conception was going, especially if it wasn’t going well. He knew he’d been lucky before. It was rare for a man to conceive so easily. Other couples tried for years without luck and both Castiel and Dean were getting older. Having another baby might not be so easy this time.

 

Until there was a baby, until they’d passed the three month mark and everything was fine, Castiel and Dean had agreed that they told people on a strictly need to know basis.

 

He smiled apologetically at Becky. She sighed, rolling her eyes at him and went back to tapping away at her computer.

 

The door to the waiting room opened and Adam poked his head out.

 

“Cas? Do you want to come through?” he asked.

 

Castiel stood up quickly, following Adam down the hallway beyond the door and into his office. It all brought back memories for him. Memories of being frightened, of feeling alone. This time, Castiel knew he was going home to Dean and their son. He didn’t have to be frightened.

 

Adam motioned for him to sit down. He settled in his own chair, at his desk, typing up something on the computer. Castiel glimpsed just enough of the screen to see that it was his file.

 

“So, Castiel, what brings you here today?” Adam asked.

 

Castiel swallowed. The last time he’d sat down in this seat, he’d been asking Adam to help him go on to birth control, right after he and Dean started having sex again. Adam had still been a relative stranger then. Castiel had seen him as his doctor first and foremost. Now, Adam was his brother-in-law. He was married to Castiel’s eldest brother, Michael. His daughter was always around at Castiel’s house. They were family. It made things a little harder.

 

“Castiel?” Adam prompted, looking worried and Castiel composed himself.

 

Adam had always been completely professional and there wasn’t anyone else he trusted with his health. Adam had helped him though his first pregnancy, had found him a specialist. He’d even been there when Jimmy was born.

 

“I want to come off the pill,” Castiel said. “Dean and I want to try for another baby.”

 

Adam blinked, surprised, then smiled.

 

“That’s great news!” he said.

 

“So, it’s okay to come off the pill?” Castiel asked. “I can just stop taking them?”

 

“Yes, but it may take a while for the hormonal effect to completely leave your blood stream. It could take up to a year.”

 

“Oh,” Castiel said softly. He’d been hoping it might be sooner than that.

 

“It’s different for everyone, of course,” Adam said. “And you should be careful. There might be a spike in your fertility once you stop taking the pills. I’m assuming you and Dean aren’t trying for twins.”

 

“Twins?” Castiel repeated. He shook his head, laughing. “No, although I’m sure Dean would be delighted.”

 

“Well, just keep in mind, it’s a possibility.”

 

Castiel briefly close his eyes, imagining the general chaos their household would descend into if they had twins.  In his imagination, the twins were both boys and the two of them were the spitting image of Dean. Castiel wondered how Dean would cope running after two of them all day.

 

He opened his eyes, shaking his head and dismissing that flight of fantasy. They could just about budget for another baby, what with Castiel’s hours and Dean working part-time. Twins would be different. Dean might have to go back to work full-time and Castiel knew Dean didn’t want to do that.

 

“We’ll be careful,” he said.

 

“There are tests we can run, to check you fertility, or there are over the counter tests you can buy now. You might want to get a few, just to check before you and Dean start trying in earnest,” Adam suggested.

 

Castiel nodded thoughtfully. “I’ll try to get to the store before they close.”

 

It couldn’t hurt to have a supply. He might pick up a few pregnancy tests while he was there. He and Dean had been lucky the first time. They hadn’t even been trying when Castiel had fallen pregnant with Jimmy. Their luck might hold this time as well.

 

“Anything else I can help you with?” Adam asked.

 

“No, that was everything,” Castiel said. He stood up. “Thank you, Adam.”

 

“Good luck, Castiel. I hope to see you back here soon.”

 

“Me too,” Castiel said softly.

 

He hoped it would be a few months at most before he’d be back in Adam’s office, confirming a much longed for pregnancy. Castiel wanted so badly to erase all the things that had been wrong the first time. He wanted Dean to sit with him, hold his hand and find out with him that they were expecting. He wanted to tell people and bask in their shared happiness, not feel ashamed because he was alone and pregnant, because this time he wouldn’t be. He wanted Dean to put his hand on his stomach, smile at him and tell Castiel how excited he was.

 

He wanted everything to be good this time.

 

**

 

“So, what did the doctor say?” Dean asked, lounging on the bed. “Are we good to go? Can I put a bun in that oven?”

 

Castiel rolled his eyes, ignoring him for the moment and tipped the contents of his shopping out on to the bed in front of Dean. Dean picked up the nearest packet, frowning.

 

“Pregnancy test? He thinks you might be pregnant already?”

 

“No,” Castiel said, taking the box from Dean’s hand. “I was planning ahead. Adam recommended a fertility test. It might be a while before my body is over the effects of my birth control. We should be able to monitor when that happens.”

 

“So you need to pee on a stick to see if you can get pregnant now?”  Dean asked, raising an eyebrow.

 

“You make this whole experience sound very romantic,” Castiel said dryly, collecting up the little boxes. “I’ll put these away in the bathroom cabinet.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Dean said, rolling on to his stomach and watching Castiel as he padded down the hallway and to the bathroom. He raised his voice slightly, calling after him. “I just don’t think it’s going to be that difficult for us! I was drunk the first time I knocked you up.”

 

Castiel stuck his head round the bathroom door, frowning at Dean. “Please, say that a little louder. I don’t think our son heard you.”

 

“Jimmy’s asleep!”

 

“If you keep yelling, he won’t be and I don’t want to explain what you’re yelling about.”

 

Castiel came back to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him, still looking annoyed. Dean rolled off the bed, knowing well enough now when he needed to pour oil on troubled waters. He ran a hand up Castiel’s arm, resting it on his shoulder and tugged Castiel towards him.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, wrapping his arms around Castiel properly, pressing a kiss to his head. Castiel sighed, relaxing against him.

 

“You really think it’s going to be easy?” he asked.

 

“I’m sure it is,” Dean said. “You worry too much. We managed to get Jimmy first try. I know we’re going to be fine, Cas.”

 

Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean, all the tension gone from his body.

 

“Adam told me something else,” he said.

 

“Hmm?” Dean prompted,

 

“He said once I come off the pill, there might be a spike in my fertility. He warned me about the possibility of twins.”

 

“Twins?” Dean repeated.

 

“Don’t get too excited. I don’t think we could afford to have twins.”

 

Dean groaned, kissing Castiel quickly, the fastest way he knew to get Castiel to shut up. “Don’t spoil this for me. I don’t want to hear about practicalities. Let me enjoy imagining it at least.”

 

Dean pressed his hand to Castiel’s stomach. He could remember, vividly, how big Castiel had gotten when he was pregnant with Jimmy. He’d be even bigger if he was carrying twins. Dean allowed himself a few seconds to imagine that, to imagine how beautiful Castiel would be before Castiel was pushing his hand away, laughing softly.

 

“You’re going to look so good,” Dean said with a soft sigh. He’d missed so much when Castiel had been pregnant with Jimmy. For the first five months, he hadn’t been there. This time he was going to experience everything.

 

He wasn’t going to miss a moment.

 

**

 

**Four Months Later:**

 

The front door opened, banging against the wall. Dean came out of the living room, where he and Jimmy had been watching kid’s TV, to see Castiel in the hallway, shrugging off his coat. He didn’t know who else he’d expected to be there, only a few people had a key to the house. It was just a surprise to see Castiel home so soon. It was only about four o’clock.

 

“You’re home early,” he said. “I haven’t put Jimmy to bed yet.”

 

“I’ve been feeling sick all day. I couldn’t eat anything at lunch time,” Castiel said, turning to face Dean, unable to keep the excitement off his face. “I had to come home early, I felt so nauseous.”

 

“You think you might be…?”

 

“I wanted to get home as soon as I could and do the test,” Castiel said.

 

“Right,” Dean said. Castiel’s excitement was catching. He wanted to rush upstairs and wait with Castel while he took the test, but Jimmy was still in the living room, in front of one of his kids TV programs, and Dean couldn’t leave him alone for too long.

 

He knew Jimmy would just keep watching but Dean didn’t want to be the kind of parent who just sat his son in front of the TV and left him. Besides, it would just be fate that the one time he wasn’t watching Jimmy, something would happen to him.

 

“Those tests take about five minutes, don’t they?” he asked. “Why don’t you run up and do one, and I’ll check on Jimmy?”

 

Castiel nodded, pausing for a moment to kiss Dean before he ran up the stairs. Dean crossed his fingers behind his back, hoping that this would be it. Castiel had taken a fertility test a few weeks ago that showed he was ready to go. Since then they’d been trying every chance they got. Dean was setting the alarm to wake them up early. Jimmy was spending his weekends with Uncle Sam and Uncle Gabriel and their dog, or with Uncle Adam and Eve.

 

Castiel had even started coming home on his lunch break for a quickie. Dean wouldn’t be surprised if Castiel was already knocked up. They both wanted it enough.

 

He forced himself to try and be calm though, heading back into the living room to sit on the couch beside his son. Jimmy was watching something about a big red dog. Dean couldn’t pay attention to it. The only thing he could think clearly about was Castiel and the possibility of a new baby. The minutes ticked by so slowly. Dean couldn’t remember anything ever having taken so long in his life.

 

Finally he heard footsteps on the stairs and then Castiel called down to him “Dean? Could you come up here for a moment?”

 

“You okay, kid?” he asked Jimmy.

 

Jimmy nodded, still completely transfixed by the TV.

 

Dean patted him on the back before getting up. Every step up the stairs, he thought about how his life was going to change. He thought about if he’d rather have a girl or another boy. He even thought about the prospect of twins.

 

Castiel was sitting on their bed, looking at the pregnancy test in his hands. Dean paused in the doorway, his stomach twisting because something didn’t feel right. Castiel didn’t look happy. Maybe he was only just realizing what having another baby meant or maybe it was something else that was troubling him?

 

“Cas? What does it say?” he asked.

 

Castiel looked up at him. His face was pale.

 

“It’s negative,” he said, holding the test out for Dean to look at.

 

“But you’re feeling sick?”

 

“I know,” Castiel said. “Should I take another test?”

 

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, although he didn’t know if that would make any difference. It had only been a few minutes.

 

“I can try with a different brand,” Castiel said, sounding a little more hopeful.

 

Dean nodded. A different brand could be more sensitive. Dean couldn’t make Castiel’s nausea make sense otherwise. He’d been fine when Dean had seen him off the work in the morning. Nausea and loss of appetite were classic signs of pregnancy. He didn’t want it to be anything else. They’d both been trying so hard.

 

This time Dean was here, he was being the good father. He and Castiel were doing it right this time. They deserved to be pregnant.

 

**

 

Four pregnancy tests later, it was obvious that Castiel wasn’t pregnant.

 

They’d put Jimmy to bed together. Castiel had sung to him and Dean had read him a story about a train. They’d both kissed him good night and now they were standing together in their bedroom, the rest of the evening stretching out in front of them.

 

There was a gaping hole in the middle of it all, an emptiness. For a few brief hours Castiel had thought he was pregnant. For a few minutes, Dean had believed it too. Now they’d discovered that baby was only smoke and mirrors and Dean wasn’t taking it well.

 

“We can try again,” Castiel said when the silence got too much.

 

“Yeah,” Dean agreed. Rationally, he knew it was just a small set back. They’d only been trying in earnest for a few weeks. It was still early. Castiel hadn’t known he was pregnant with Jimmy until nearly a month had gone past.

 

“I could always go and see Adam,” Castiel said. “He could do a blood test. They’re more conclusive. It takes a few days for the right hormones to show up in the blood stream anyway.”

 

“How long?” Dean asked. He still didn’t understand a lot about pregnancy. He understood the basics – sperm meets egg, nine months later Castiel had to go to hospital to have a C-section and they came home with a new baby – but everything else was new to him. He didn’t know the ins and outs of fertility or how effective pregnancy tests were. He’d told himself he was going to read Castiel’s pregnancy books and get boned up on the subject but he hadn’t had the time yet.

 

Castiel shrugged. “It can take between six and fourteen days. I could still be pregnant, Dean. We might not know it yet.”

 

“Okay,” Dean said, taking a deep breath. “I guess you should book that test with Adam then.”

 

Castiel reached out, wrapping his arms around Dean and very gingerly he hugged him.

 

 

“It doesn’t matter if I’m not pregnant right now, Dean. We can keep trying,” he promised.

 

Dean nodded. He held Castiel close, pressing a kiss to his hair. He knew that Castiel was right. He could be pregnant and in the very early stages, too soon for the hormones to show up in his blood stream or to be caught by a home pregnancy test. Even if Castiel wasn’t pregnant this time, it didn’t mean that this was their only shot at it. They just had to keep going.

 

Dean told himself that. He told himself over and over, forced himself to think about the positives but all the time, there was a nagging voice in the back of his mind telling Dean that this was his fault.

 

This was a punishment because of how Dean had behaved before. He’d been given the chance to have Castiel and a child with him and he’d nearly abandoned them. Everything had been so easy last time. All Dean had had to do was slip into a ready-made life, but he hadn’t. It had taken him nine months, right up until Jimmy’s birth, for him to realize who he belonged with.

 

Now he was being punished. It should have been easy. The last time, Dean had managed to get him pregnant first time without even trying. He’d even been drunk. Now they were doing everything right and it wasn’t working.

 

“I might ask Adam to do a fertility test at the clinic,” Castiel said thoughtfully. “I mean, if the pregnancy test comes back negative. He can tell me if there’s anything wrong. It’s been three years since Jimmy was born and I’m not getting any younger.”

 

“If you want to,” Dean said. He pressed another kiss to Castiel’s forehead.

 

He loved Castiel so much. Castiel was worrying about his own fertility but Dean was sure if anyone was having problems, it would be him, not Castiel. He was the one who’d never taken care of himself. He was the one who’d drunk too much, who’d eaten the wrong food. He wasn’t getting any younger either.  

 

If Castiel wasn’t pregnant, then the issue could be all of Dean’s making.

 

**

 

Two Months Later

 

Dean kept trying to kiss Castiel, but Castiel kept evading him. He finally managed to pin him against the kitchen counter, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth while Castiel looked up at him sadly and made a weak attempt to push him away.

 

“Dean, you know I have to go to work now,” he said.

 

Dean sighed. “I know, but I just thought we might have time.”

 

“We don’t,” Castiel said seriously.

 

They didn’t seem to have time for much of anything at the moment, Dean thought coldly. Since the first negative pregnancy test, Castiel’s interest in sex had dwindled rapidly. At first, that had been understandable. The nausea Castiel had felt had been a stomach bug that had had him laid up for a few days. Then Dean and Jimmy had caught it, which had been worse. It had taken two weeks before they’d been completely clear of the bug.

 

Dean had thought things would go back to how they were before, that they’d keep trying every chance they got, but it just seemed to be one setback after another for the two of them and now they were lucky if they did it once a week.

 

“Right,” he said, stepping back to let Castiel slip past him.

 

“You’re going to see Sam today, aren’t you?” Castiel asked, collecting his brief case.

 

“Yeah, I’m taking Jimmy to the park and Sam’s bringing his dog,” Dean said, shrugging his shoulders because he didn’t think Castiel really cared what he had planned.

 

“That’ll be nice,” Castiel said.

 

Dean shrugged again. Castiel was just avoiding talking about things now, just making polite conversation. Dean didn’t want to talk about Sam or the park. He wanted to talk about the fact that they still weren’t pregnant.

 

“What about when you get home?” he asked. “Can we try again then?”

 

Castiel sighed, his shoulder dropping.

 

“Dean, just stop it,” he said, his voice low, warning Dean that he’d gone too far. “Stop pressuring me. I don’t have time for this right now.”

 

“Right, whatever,” Dean muttered.

 

Castiel turned to look at him, shaking his head. He looked sad but Dean didn’t see what he had to be sad about. It wasn’t Castiel who had the problem. Castiel was fine, as approved by a doctor. It had to be Dean who was broken, Dean who was misfiring. The only way they were going to get pregnant was if they kept trying. That was, if Castiel even wanted them to have another baby. Dean was beginning to doubt it.

 

“I’ll see you tonight, Dean,” Castiel said, his tone clipped and tight. He rounded the table, kissed Dean’s cheek but it was dutiful, trying to smooth over the argument they pointedly weren’t having. There were so many things left unsaid. The weight of it was crushing.

Castiel didn’t stay to voice them. He left for work, leaving Dean alone, feeling useless and impotent.

 

The emptiness inside him kept growing and Dean didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t talk to Castiel. There was a gulf between them and if Castiel really didn’t want another baby any longer, if he really didn’t want Dean any longer, then Dean would be completely lost.

 

His life seemed to be eroding underneath him, and Dean had no idea what he could do to save it.

 

**

  
  


“Have you and Cas ever thought about getting a dog?” Sam asked. “Jimmy really likes Loki.”

 

Dean glanced at his brother, just to check that Sam was serious but his brother seemed to be completely honest. He was keeping a straight face at least.

 

“I don’t like dogs and Castiel is more of a cat person,” he said, turning to look back at his son and the small Jack Russell. They were both completely engrossed in each other, rushing around, Jimmy shrieking happily and Loki barking at him.

 

Dean’s stomach lurched. He knew that Loki was a nice dog. He knew that Sam took him to train classes and that the dog managed to put up with Gabriel tugging at its ears and babying it, but he was still worried. He didn’t want Jimmy to get bitten because Loki decided enough was enough.

 

“Can you call him back?” he asked.

 

Sam shot his brother a look but he stuck his fingers in his mouth, whistling for Loki. The dog’s ears perked up and he bounded back to them. Sam dug in his pocket and pulled out a little bone shaped biscuit.

 

“Good boy,” he said, feeding Loki the treat before stroking his head. “Sit.”

 

“Thanks,” Dean mumbled. He couldn’t help feeling nervous around dogs.

 

Sometimes, he wished Sam and Gabriel had just had a baby. They’d gone through the whole process with Loki as if they were adopting a baby. There had to be a home visit and background checks before the breeder was willing to hand the puppy over to them.

 

Neither Sam nor Gabriel wanted to be parents and Gabriel certainly wasn’t cut out for it. A dog was a good fit for them but Dean still wished they’d got something else. Maybe a nice bird or a hobby the two of them could share, just not a dog.

 

He sighed, leaning back and trying to get comfortable on the park bench. Without Loki to play with, Jimmy had settled down in the grass and was pulling it out in great handfuls. Dean thought about telling him off but he couldn’t find the effort to care enough.

 

“You know, studies have proved that children benefit from growing up around pets,” Sam said.

 

“You’re using that line on the wrong guy, Sammy. You want to try that on Adam and Michael,” Dean said, holding his hand up to shield his eyes from the sun. A sudden, nasty idea pricked at his conscious and he glanced at his brother again. “If this is all some roundabout way of trying to tell me Loki’s got some other dog pregnant, I don’t want to know. We don’t want a puppy and I don’t want to be jealous of your stupid dog.”

 

Sam sighed.

 

“Still no luck then,” he said.  “And Loki’s neutered.”

 

“Yeah,” Dean said angrily. “Cas has had an expensive fertility test, I swear we’re paying for all the repairs on Adam’s stupid pick-up, and he’s fine. Everything’s in working order. So the problem has to be me, doesn’t it, Sam?”

 

“No,” Sam said evenly. “There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with either of you. Sometimes these things just take time, Dean. That’s not a problem.”

 

“It is a problem,” Dean said, staring into the distance. “You wouldn’t understand, Sam. You and Gabriel don’t want kids. Castiel and I do. Every time we get our hopes up, every time he does one of those tests and they come back negative, it causes a rift.”

 

“Dean…”

 

“Sam, I think Castiel doesn’t love me anymore,” Dean said quickly, before he could stop himself.

 

“What?” Sam looked shocked.

 

Dean took a deep breath. He stared into the distance, unable to look at his brother, not when he was about to tell him something so personal and private. He didn’t want to see Sam’s face now. It would stop him and Dean needed to tell someone what was on his mind.

 

 

“I can’t get him pregnant and I think it’s starting to make him hate me. He’s spending more time at the office, we don’t have sex as much as we used to. He’s doesn’t want to talk about babies or about the future. He says there’s no point until it happens, but I think he’s given up. I think he’s given up on me.”

 

Dean waited for the metaphorical weight to lift from his shoulders but it didn’t happen. The words hung between them and Dean wasn’t able to take them back. He risked a quick glance at Sam to see his expression. Sam seemed to be in complete shock.

 

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, Dean,” he said after a long pause. “It just means it’s hard on him. You two are trying so hard, you should give yourselves a break.”

 

Dean sighed. He couldn’t help wondering why it had taken Sam so long to come up with something so cliché.

 

“That’s your suggestion? Cas and I take a break?” he asked, unable to keep the bitter tone out of his voice.

 

“Yes,” Sam said defensively. “I think it would do you both some good to get away for a while. Gabriel and I love babysitting Jimmy, we’d be happy to have him. You and Castiel could go away for a long weekend. He won’t have to worry about work and neither of you will mention babies and maybe, if you’re relaxed, it will just happen.”

 

“You read too many women’s magazines,” Dean said.

 

Sam shrugged. “Gabriel has a subscription to Cosmo. He says it’s for the sex tips.”

 

“Those things are lethal,” Dean said with a shudder. “Have you seen some of the things they think guys like?”

 

“I’ve _tried_ some of the things they think guys like,” Sam said, his eyes hardening and for a moment he was somewhere else, remembering something else.

 

Dean didn’t want to ask. He didn’t want to know what sort of hideously kinky thing his little brother had been duped in to doing. Dean understood that Sam loved Gabriel, although he couldn’t figure out why, but he didn’t want to know any of the details of their relationship.

 

When it came to his brothers, Dean preferred to believe they didn’t have sex. He still maintained Eve was the product of Immaculate Conception, despite the evidence to the contrary. This conversation with Sam was straying too close to information Dean didn’t need to know.

 

He cleared his throat, changing the subject quickly.

 

“So, you really think taking a break would be good for me and Cas?” he asked.

 

“It couldn’t hurt,” Sam said. “You’ll both get some time off to relax, at least.”

 

“Yeah,” Dean said, nodding. He was beginning to see the logic in Sam’s plan. He and Castiel were stressed out – Castiel was working late and Dean was running after Jimmy all day.

 

If they had a bit of time to themselves, if they were alone, then they’d be able to rekindle things. They could take their time. Neither of them would be rushing because of deadlines or the possibility of Jimmy walking in on them.

 

Dean could take his time. He could undress Castiel, kiss every inch of his skin and really worship his body properly in a way he hadn’t been able to do in a long time. So many opportunities presented themselves to Dean – shower sex, morning sex, sex in the car on the way to whatever quiet little place he booked them in to. By the end of their weekend together, he would have fucked Castiel so well and so often, Castiel couldn’t fail to fall pregnant. They’d probably get home to do the test together and Castiel would be overjoyed.

 

It would all work out. Their relationship would be saved. They’d forget about the bumpy patch they had been through. They wouldn’t have time to think about it, not with the new baby on the way. Dean would step up to the plate and take care of Castiel the way he hadn’t been able to before and Castiel would fall so deeply back in love with him that those late nights at work and those important clients he couldn’t let down would be completely forgotten.

 

In Dean’s head the whole thing played out beautifully.

 

“Yeah,” he said again, with more conviction. “I’ll ask Castiel tonight. You and Gabriel up for some baby sitting next weekend?”

 

“I think we could manage it,” Sam said, smiling.

 

Finally, Dean felt the weight lift from his shoulders. Everything was going to work out fine. He might even look in to booking one of those fancy little bed and breakfasts Castiel enthused about. Dean didn’t really care where they went as long as they were there together.

  
  


**

 

By the time Castiel arrived home that evening, Dean had been online, checking out local hotels and bed and breakfasts. He’d narrowed it down to a top five for Castiel to choose from. He’d ruled out anywhere too busy or too close to home. They were supposed to be getting away from stress, not diving head on in to it. He’d checked off anywhere that looked too cosy or filled with soft furnishings. Dean didn’t think he could relax in a room with pink lace curtains and little china figurines everywhere.

 

He’d also ruled out everywhere that looked like it might object to two men turning up and wanting a double bed for the night. That was the last thing Dean wanted to deal with. Faceless, bland, corporate chains had also been written off. Dean wanted Castiel to feel like he cared, and while they might get privacy at a chain hotel, they’d probably also feel that they were renting the room by the hour.

 

His top five weren’t too big or too small; they seemed friendly and offered personal, but unobtrusive service.  One of them even cooked every meal from vegetables grown in their own organic garden and meat sourced from the local farmer. Dean was secretly hoping Castiel would pick that one. If nothing else, he knew they’d eat well while they were staying there.  

 

Dean was going to let Castiel choose, though. He wouldn’t put any pressure on him to pick Dean’s favorite. He wanted a happy, relaxed Castiel who was ready to make a baby. The best way to get that was to let Castiel choose what he was most comfortable with. Dean had print outs of all his choices, ready to show Castiel when he walked through the door, and he was already imagining picking Castiel up from work early on the Friday.

 

Castiel would be so happy to get out of work, throwing his trench coat in the back seat and loosening his tie. They’d chat about something that wasn’t work or how Jimmy was doing. It would feel like a date, but with the promise of sex at the end of it. Dean couldn’t wait.

 

Time ticked by. Dean ended up putting Jimmy to bed by himself again. He found himself doing that four days out of five nights a week. Castiel hardly ever seemed to get home when he was supposed to, when his hours officially ended. Dean had practically given up seeing him before late.

 

Hopefully, with this weekend away, Dean could bring up the subject of Castiel’s hours. He knew Castiel was good at his job and that, until Jimmy went to school at least, Castiel was the bread winner. He still thought Castiel should clock off at five when his shift was supposed to end, and get home in time to eat dinner as a family and put his son to bed. If it was Dean, if Dean had been the one who’d kept working, then he would have called time as soon as his hours were up and headed home to Castiel and their baby, and he wouldn’t have cared how many cars still needed fixing.

 

He found himself making supper, thinking about how nice it would be to have someone else cook for him for a change. Going away would be a break for both of them. Dean didn’t even care if they stopped somewhere and just ate dinner at a diner as long as the burgers were good and Dean didn’t have to do the washing up afterwards.

 

Sometimes, Dean wondered if maybe he should have insisted on Castiel staying home. For the first few months, when Jimmy was still a tiny little baby, that had been the way they worked. Castiel had been off on paternity leave and Dean went to work. Castiel had enjoyed being home with Jimmy but he’d always planned to go back to work once Jimmy was a few months old.

 

They’d shuffled things around because nurseries were expensive and Dean had relished the idea of getting to spend the whole day with his son. He still enjoyed the time he spent with Jimmy, but sometimes he wished he could head out to work and come home to tuck-in time, a home cooked meal and Castiel waiting for him.

 

It was nearly 9 o’clock when the front door opened to admit a tired Castiel. He dropped his brief case by the door and took off his coat, hanging it up. Dean watched him from the kitchen doorway, not in any rush to welcome him. Castiel hadn’t called or given any other indication that he’d be kept back so late.

 

Castiel turned, his eyes widening as he saw Dean standing there, watching him.

 

“Oh, I hadn’t realized you were there,” he said.

 

“Where else am I going to be?” Dean asked. “I’ve already eaten. Do you want me to reheat your share?”

 

“No, it’s fine, we ordered in,” Castiel said.

 

Dean wondered how something so innocent could feel like such a betrayal. He’d been waiting at home for Castiel, cooking for him, thinking just about him and Castiel hadn’t even had the presence of mind of call him and tell him not to bother.

 

“Right,” he said tersely.

 

Castiel shifted uneasily, seeming to realize that he was on shaky ground where Dean was concerned. There was still the augment they’d had that morning hanging over them. If Castiel had been hoping to quietly creep back into the house as if nothing had happened, his plan had failed.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t call. Things were hectic and my boss needed me.”

 

“Yeah, sure, and he comes before your family, does he?” Dean asked. He clenched his hands, unable to believe that Castiel hadn’t even been able to grab a few minutes to call him, especially as they’d had time to order in dinner and eat it.

 

“No, of course he doesn’t come first,” Castiel said angrily, taking a step towards Dean. “You know he’s only just joined the company and we’re busy. I’m helping him and I’m sorry you seem to think I’m making things difficult on purpose. Honestly, Dean, I would rather be here with you, but you have no idea the pressure I’m under.”

 

Dean softened slightly. He did know that Castiel was under a lot of pressure. Not only did he have a new boss who didn’t seem to be able to make a move without Castiel to help him, but he was also dealing with a lot of new responsibilities. That had been part of the reason Dean had been planning a weekend away for the two of them. He wanted to get Castiel away from all that stress and help him relax.

 

“I know,” he said soft, closing the distance between the two of them and wrapping his arms around Castiel. “I’m sorry, I know your boss is a jerk and you’re just trying to keep things together.”

 

“Crowley isn’t a jerk,” Castiel said mildly, leaning against Dean. “He’s just settling in and it takes some time.”

 

“He couldn’t do the job without you,” Dean said, feeling his heart swell with pride. Castiel could be the boss if given a chance. While Dean didn’t want him working any later than he already did, he couldn’t help feeling that Castiel should be the one in charge.

 

“I don’t know about that,” Castiel said, although he looked pleased.

 

“I do,” Dean said, taking hold of Castiel’s hand. “Hey, I’ve got an idea. I know you’re working really hard so I thought I’d plan a break for us.”

 

“Really?” Castiel asked. “For the three of us?”

 

“No, just the two of us. I’ve already roped Sam and Gabriel in to babysitting,” Dean said, leaning forward to press a quick kiss to Castiel’s lips. He led him in to the kitchen, getting him to sit down in a chair before he found his print-outs and laid them in front of Castiel. “Here, you pick one of these and we’ll get away for a long weekend, just you and me.”

 

Castiel looked at the five options in bemusement.

 

“How long have you been planning this?” he asked.

 

“Just since this afternoon. Sam gave me the idea,” Dean said. He sat down in the chair across from Castiel, watching him intently, waiting to see his reaction.

 

“This is such a good idea,” Castiel said happily. “When do you want to go? I can apply for some time off in a month or so.”

 

“A month?” Dean shook his head. “No, Cas, I’m going to pick you up early next Friday. We’re going to get away then.”

 

“What?” Castiel looked shocked. “Next Friday? Dean, I can’t.”

 

“Yes, you can,” Dean said angrily. “I’ll pick you up at four, and we’ll have a weekend away.”

 

“Dean, I can’t just take time off without having planned it first,” Castiel explain slowly. “I wouldn’t be able to leave early without clearing it with someone first and you know how busy we are. No one is going to give me time off right at this moment. In a month, things might be different, but it’s just too soon, Dean. Did you even check that any of these places would be free?”

 

“No, but I just thought...I thought you’d want to go,” Dean said.

 

He stood up quickly, turning away from Castiel. He hadn’t thought that far ahead. All he’d thought about was Castiel and the two of them getting away together. Everything else would just fall in to place.

 

He crossed to the sink, planning to finish the washing up. He didn’t want to keep talking about it when Castiel had just ripped his idea to shreds. He’d rather be at work than with Dean. He couldn’t even try and leave a little early, even after all the overtime he’d worked because Castiel thought his job was more important. He might say differently, he might swear that he’d rather be at home with Dean and Jimmy, but his actions proved over and over again that he’d always choose work over them.

 

“I do want to go. Dean, you’re not being fair!” Castiel said angrily. He pushed his chair back, getting up and following Dean. He touched his arm, trying to get Dean’s attention. “Why are you making this so difficult? Dean, I want to go away with you. We can book this holiday and I’ll get the time off work, but it can’t be right now.”

 

“I just don’t understand why it can’t be right now. If I was still working full-time for Bobby….”

 

“Then he’d let you get away with murder,” Castiel said with a sigh. “You were lucky. Working in an office is different. If I go home at five, people will notice. They’ll say I’m not a team player, that I don’t stay around to help when the company needs me. It gets around and I’ll end up with a bad reputation. I’ll never be promoted.”

  
“Why don’t you look at getting another job then?” Dean said. “If you don’t like it there, try and find something else.”

 

He knew it wasn’t as easy as he was making it out to be. Even though Castiel was good at what he did, it didn’t mean that there were jobs out there for him. He’d also been lucky that his current job had supported him through his pregnancy and allowed him time off once Jimmy was born. There was no guarantee anywhere else would be as good.

 

Dean didn’t know where they were with planning for a new baby, if they were still trying or not, but he didn’t want Castiel to get a new position and then lose it when he got pregnant.

 

Castiel leaned against Dean, wrapping his arms around him and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

 

“If I promise to look for another job, will you leave the plates alone?” he asked.

 

 

Dean looked down at his hands in the sink, at the plates he was listlessly picking up and putting down with no real interest or effort being made to get them clean. He was just doing something because he had to do something, he couldn’t just sit and talk.

 

“Yeah,” he agreed, turning on the tap and rinsing his hands clean. He dried them and turned to face Castiel, pulling him in to a tight bear hug. “I just wish you were here with us more often. Jimmy’s going to go to school next September. I don’t want you missing him grow up.”

 

“And what about you?” Castiel asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m growing up too, don’t miss out on that either,” Dean said, teasingly. He kissed Castiel again, this time slowly, savoring the feel of Castiel’s body held against his. He felt as if he hardly saw Castiel now. He’d seen more of him when they’d been sneaking around.

 

Castiel broke the kiss, panting softly.

 

“Do you want to go upstairs?” he asked. “I know it’s been a while, but I’ve been tired and….”

 

Dean interrupted him with another kiss. “Yes,” he said against Castiel’s lips. “Yes, let’s go upstairs.”

 

Tomorrow Castiel could book some time off work and Dean would book them in to one of those little bed and breakfasts. They’d have something to look forward too, a weekend off together and in the meantime they’d muddle through it like they were doing now. Dean didn’t know if Castiel really would look for a new job, but hopefully things would get easier for him and he wouldn’t have to. Right now, all he cared about was getting Castiel upstairs and getting inside him. It had been too long since they’d last done that.

 

**

**The Next Day:**

 

Dean was in the grocery store, trying to decide if he should buy their own brand of hotdogs or if he should splash out for one of the top-shelf labels. Jimmy had wandered off a little ahead of him and was poking at some of the tins on the lower shelf. Dean glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, making sure he wasn’t about to make a break for freedom. Dean didn’t know how he’d ever explain to Castiel that he’d lost their son because he was distracted by the price of canned hotdogs.

 

Dean’s phone beeped in his pocket. Dean fished it out; grinning when he saw the text was from Castiel. As he read on, however, his grin faded.

 

‘My boss says I can’t have any time off, Dean. I’m sorry. I did ask.’

 

Dean scowled, stuffing his phone back in to his pocket and he grabbed the top-shelf brand of hot dogs, throwing them in to the shopping cart. Castiel was the one who was paying for them. He was working enough hours that they could afford for Dean to buy them all of the expensive options. That was what they needed after all, more money, not Castiel to come home and be an active part of their family.

 

Jimmy ran up to him and tugged on his arm, trying to get his attention. Dean took a deep breath, trying to remind himself that he was in public and with his son. He should be setting a good example for Jimmy.

 

“Hey, champ, what is it?” he asked, wondering if Jimmy had realized Dean was upset. He didn’t want to worry his son.

 

“Can we buy ice cream?” Jimmy asked.

 

Dean laughed, shaking his head. Sometimes, Jimmy surprised him by how observant and empathetic he was, and other times Dean was reminded that small children were essentially selfish creatures with a tendency to focus on only one thing at a time. He picked Jimmy up, resting his son on his hip.

 

“You want ice cream? What flavor? We can get you all the flavors,” he promised.

 

“Do you think dad will be home in time to eat dinner with us today?” Jimmy asked quietly, avoiding Dean’s eye. He scrunched his fist up, gripping Dean’s shirt tightly. “I think he likes ice cream. Do you think he’ll come home if there’s ice cream?”

 

“Is that what’s wrong?” Dean asked softly. He rocked Jimmy up and down slight, trying to soothe him. “You miss your dad?”

 

“He’s always late,” Jimmy mumbled, pressing his face in to Dean’s shoulder.

 

“I know he is, but he’s working hard for us,” Dean said, biting the inside of his mouth.

 

It felt bitter to be telling Jimmy everything was fine, that Castiel was doing what was best for them, when Dean didn’t even believe that himself. He hated that Jimmy was starting to notice all the missed nights. It shouldn’t be that way. Jimmy shouldn’t have to ask where his dad was and if he was coming home.

 

“I hate his work,” Jimmy said angrily, risking a look up at Dean. “I wish he stayed home like you.”

 

“Me too, kid, me too,” Dean said.

 

He sighed, jiggling Jimmy up and down again. It wasn’t fair of him to put any of his problems on Jimmy either. He couldn’t let Jimmy see that these things upset him or that there were cracks starting to show in his relationship with Castiel. Michael had brought him a book on child psychology and when Dean was really bored one day, he’d had a glimpse through. It was important for child to feel safe and secure at home and Dean couldn’t guarantee that Jimmy felt that way currently.

 

It wasn’t Dean’s fault though. He was the stable parent. He was the one who was there every day. It was Castiel who was upsetting Jimmy.

 

“Hey, how about we go surprise daddy at work?” he asked, the idea coming to him in a flash.

 

If he took Jimmy to see Castiel, then maybe Castiel would realize just what strain he was putting on his family. If he could hear Jimmy asking if he’d be home in time for dinner, maybe he’d leave when he was supposed to leave. Dean knew he wasn’t being fair to Castiel, that Castiel was trying hard but Dean didn’t think he was trying hard enough. Castiel was never the one who had to try and calm down his upset son in the middle of the grocery store.

 

Castiel deserved to see that his job wasn’t just hurting Dean, that it was hurting all of them.

 

**

 

“Can I help you?” the receptionist asked, peering at Dean in some confusion. Dean supposed it wasn’t often that people wandered in carrying a three year old on their hip. Dean put on his best smile and hoped that Jimmy was looking cute.

 

“Yeah, I’m here to see Castiel Novak. I’m his partner and this is his son,” he said, feeling that he needed to stress the fact that Castiel belonged to them, that they had a claim on him. He knew it wasn’t the receptionist’s fault that Castiel wasn’t home with his family like Dean wanted him to be, but she was part of the company that kept Castiel away from them, so Dean was growling at her because she was there.

 

“Oh,” the receptionist said. “Castiel mentioned he had a son but...I mean, he’s on the third floor. If you take the elevator up there, someone should be able to show you to his office.” She smiled at him but Dean thought it looked fake. He still gave her a thankful nod of the head before he headed off to the elevators.

 

He let Jimmy press the button.

 

While he was waiting for the elevator, Dean couldn’t help replaying what the receptionist had said over in his head. What had she meant? Had she meant that she knew Castiel had a child but not a partner? Castiel wouldn’t tell people about Jimmy without mentioning Dean, would he? Dean loved Castiel. He’d got over the issues he’d had and he was proud of Castiel and proud to tell people he was living with him. One day, he was going to ask Castiel to marry him.

 

It wasn’t as if Dean didn’t think about it, about getting married. He did. He stopped by jewellery stores and looked at the rings, tried to work out what Castiel would like. He thought about how he’d ask Castiel – if he’d plan some big romantic meal out or if he’d ask when they were tucked up on the sofa together watching TV.

 

He thought about it all the time but that didn’t mean Dean was ready just yet. When he’d started his relationship with Castiel, he’d been planning to marry someone else. He’d even got as far as walking down the aisle before he called the whole thing off. The idea of a wedding – the cake, the photographer, the tuxes, all his friends and family being there – it just reminded Dean of how wrong he’d got it the first time.

 

He didn’t think Castiel had too many good associations with weddings either. He’d almost lost Dean to someone else. Besides, they were pretty happy living together like they were now. It only sometimes bothered Dean that Jimmy had a different last name to him.  He thought that when they finally tied the knot, he and Castiel could hyphenate and Jimmy could become a Winchester in name, as well as blood.

 

The elevator doors opened and Dean ushered Jimmy in in front of him. He held his son up so he could press the button to the right floor and tried not to feel sad. There were any number of reasons that Castiel might not have told people about Dean, although didn’t couldn’t think of any right then. Or the receptionist just might not remember being told about him. Jimmy was a cute kid. If Castiel had brought in pictures of him, it made sense that she’d only remember Jimmy.                                                                                                 

 

The elevator stopped suddenly, the doors opening and Dean bundled Jimmy up, carrying him out on to the third floor. He looked around, trying to catch someone’s eye. The whole office seemed busy. He couldn’t see Castiel anywhere.

 

A young man, his arms full of papers, stopped in front of Dean, looking at him with the same confused expression the receptionist had worn downstairs.

 

“Can I help you?” he asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m trying to find Castiel Novak. I’m his partner,” Dean said.

 

This time, the smile that met those words was completely genuine.

 

“Is this Jimmy? I’ve heard so much about you both! I’m Inias,” he shifted some of the papers about and offered his hand for Dean to shake. “Castiel’s in the boss’s office. Let me put these papers down and I’ll show you the way.”

 

Dean followed him to his desk as Inias dumped the papers. At least Dean knew he couldn’t fault Castiel for saying it was busy. Inias’s desk was completely covered in different folders and files.

 

“Castiel didn’t say you were coming in,” Inias said, turning back to Dean with a grin. “He brought Jimmy in when he was a couple of months old, but look at him! He’s grown so big!”

 

Jimmy blushed and hid his face in Dean’s shoulder, embarrassed to have someone he didn’t know taking an interest in him.

 

“Anyway,” Inias continued, beckoning for Dean to follow him. “Castiel’s been helping our new boss a lot. I’m sure you know that! Honestly, they probably should have just given Castiel his job. Poor Castiel’s always staying late. Sometimes it’s just the two of them in the office.”

 

“Just the two of them?” Dean repeated.

 

Inias didn’t seem to notice the tone in which he said it, he just nodded and continued chattering about the ineptitude of upper-management. Dean felt as if everything was suddenly slotting in to place. The pieces of the puzzle formed a horrific picture when Dean had them all collected.

 

Castiel was staying late with his new boss. They were the only ones in the office. They were having dinner together. Castiel couldn’t get time off work, maybe didn’t even apply for it, and seemed much more interested in being in work, being with his boss, than he was at being at home with his family.

 

Inias paused, stopping them in front of a nondescript door that Dean would never have found on his own. He opened it and peered inside. Dean looked too, leaning over him. The sight that met his eyes didn’t make him feel any better. If anything, it fanned the fire of his suspicions.

 

Castiel was bending over the desk, reading through something or other, discussing it in a low tone. His boss was standing behind him, a portly middle aged man with a thinning hair line, and he had a hand on Castiel’s hip, standing right behind him, his gaze sweeping admiringly up and down the curve of Castiel’s back and ass.

 

It was licentious and obvious, and yet Castiel hadn’t seemed to notice. It was practically sex apart from the fact that they were both clothed. It would have been enough for Castiel to claim sexual harassment but he didn’t seem to care.

 

“Castiel,” Dean said sharply.

 

Castiel jumped, knocking backwards in to his boss as he flailed round to look at Dean. Dean tried his hardest not to see that as proof of a guilty conscious.

 

“Dean!” he yelped, his eyes wide with surprise. “What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Dean said, setting Jimmy down. The little boy ran to Castiel, wrapping his arms around Castiel’s leg and clinging on hard. “Jimmy was missing you and I thought we’d drop by and surprise you.”

 

“Oh.” Castiel’s mouth twisted up. He patted Jimmy on the head, his fingers stroking through his hair softly, but he was glaring at Dean. “You should have called first, Dean. I would have told you that it really wasn’t appropriate for you to just drop by.”

 

“Yeah, I can see that,” Dean said, his eyes darting to Castiel’s boss. The man looked oily and far too composed for Dean’s peace of mind. He even looked like he was enjoying himself.

 

Castiel sighed, bending down to pick Jimmy up. “Hello,” he said softly to the little boy. “Do you think we should all go eat lunch together?”

 

Jimmy nodded, clutching at Castiel, his fingers balled in Castiel’s shirt front. Castiel half turned to look at his boss, his expression apologetic. “I’m going to go on lunch now, Mr Crowley. I’m so sorry about this.”

 

“It’s fine, Castiel,” Crowley said. “It’s been a pleasure to meet your family.”

 

He looked straight at Dean, his smile wide and snake-like. Dean scowled back at him.

 

**

 

“I don’t know what you think you’re doing,” Castiel hissed angrily.

 

They were in a little café across from his office block, sat at an unsteady, shaking table. The chairs were hard and uncomfortable. The only thing the café seemed to do where cold sandwiches and lukewarm coffee. It wasn’t anything like the family lunch Dean had been hoping for. Jimmy was chewing away at a tuna sandwich, evidently engrossed in his lunch. Castiel obviously thought he was, because he’d leaned closer to Dean, dropping his voice and started the conversation Dean had been waiting for since they left Castiel’s work.

 

“I’m getting you to spend time with your family. Jimmy missed you,” Dean said. “He was asking after you when we were in the grocery store.”

 

He knew that he had all of the shopping still in the back of the car. He hadn’t stopped off home before he’d driven them out to see Castiel. The ice cream had probably melted by now. Most of the frozen stuff would be a mess. He’d have to throw half of it probably, but that didn’t matter. What Dean had seen in that office bothered him a lot more than the thought of melted ice cream.

 

“So you thought you’d just drop everything and come for a surprise visit? Dean, you’re an adult! You’re supposed to say no to flights of fancy like this. You’re supposed to set boundaries. You aren’t supposed to just give in to whatever Jimmy wants!” Castiel said angrily.

 

“I wanted to see you too,” Dean said hurriedly. “I didn’t know if you’d be home tonight, Castiel. I couldn’t lie to Jimmy and tell him he’d see you this evening. I don’t even know if you’d be home before I went to bed.”

 

Castiel sighed, shaking his head. “Not this again, Dean. Please, we’re busy. You could see we were busy.”

 

“That wasn’t all I saw,” Dean said, lowering his voice.

 

Castiel raised an eyebrow.

 

“What?” he asked, sounding very confused.

 

Dean wondered if Castiel thought he was stupid. He’d been in that office, he’d seen how Crowley touched Castiel and how he looked at him. Castiel had been happy to be the other man before. He’d let Dean have an affair with him. Why wouldn’t he have an affair himself? His hands weren’t exactly clean where fidelity was concerned.

 

“I saw you and your boss,” he said, annunciating the words clearly so Castiel wouldn’t miss what he meant.

 

Castiel stared at him.

 

“I can’t believe you,” he said slowly. “Dean, do you really think there’s something going on with me and Crowley?”

 

“I saw the way he was looking at you! The way he was touching you!”

 

Castiel shook his head. He turned away, unable to look at Dean for a moment.  When he looked back at Dean, he looked as if something inside of him had broken. His eyes were wet.

 

“You really think I’d do something like that to you? Dean, I love you,” he said plaintively.

 

“You didn’t have a problem having an affair with me,” Dean said.

 

Castiel stiffened. Then he got up, grabbing his coat.

 

“I have to go,” he said abruptly. “We are not having this conversation here.”

 

He ignored Dean, heading around the table to give Jimmy a kiss goodbye and wipe a little stray tuna from the corner of his mouth. Dean watched him, feeling hopeless. He wanted to believe Castiel’s righteous anger. He wanted to believe that Castiel was true to him, but Dean remembered all too well how they’d got together. Castiel had accepted being Dean’s bit on the side.

 

If Castiel could have an affair with Dean, why couldn’t he have an affair with another man?

 

Dean had had to make changes. He’d had to give up so much of what he’d thought he was. Before Castiel, Dean had always thought of himself as straight. He’d given up everything he’d ever known to be with Castiel. He’d lost contact with his father, the man wouldn’t ever accept what Dean had done and Dean had to live his whole life knowing that relationship was unsalvageable. He’d all but given up his job to take care of Jimmy and support Castiel’s career. His whole world had contracted down to just Castiel and Jimmy.

 

Dean didn’t know what he’d do if Castiel left him. He couldn’t picture his life without Castiel. He’d made so many changes to be with him, sacrificed so many things he thought he knew about himself, that he wasn’t sure he could ever go back to who he was before.

 

He wanted to believe that Castiel still loved him, but he wasn’t sure and that scared him.

 

**

 

Castiel stormed back in to the office. He threw his coat down over the back of his chair and looked around, wishing there was something he could do, something he could break. He took a pencil out of the pot on his desk and snapped it in two. That helped, but not as much as Castiel had been hoping for. He couldn’t believe what Dean was accusing him of. He knew things had been strained at home but he hadn’t realized they’d gotten as bad as they had.

 

He’d been so embarrassed when Dean had turned up at the office but that was nothing to what he felt now. Castiel had never been so angry in his life. He loved Dean more than anything. He’d loved him right from the beginning. Dean had always been the only one for him. Castiel had loved him enduringly since they were teenagers and to have Dean doubt him now, after everything, cut Castiel deeply.

 

“Stupid, stupid,” Castiel muttered, not certain if he meant himself or Dean.

 

He was angry at Dean, completely, incandescently angry. He was angry that Dean didn’t know how much he loved him and that Dean was judging him to his own low standards. Castiel hated the fact that their relationship had begun as an affair. He hated the fact that their son was the result of a drunken one-night stand, but those were things they’d moved past, or so Castiel had thought. They were a family, or they had been until Dean had dragged everything back up.

 

Castiel was furious with Dean, but he was also angry with himself.

 

He was angry that he kept being convinced to stay late. He was angry that he didn’t just pack up his things and go home when he was supposed to. There was a grain of truth in what Dean had said. Jimmy was missing him. Castiel could see that for himself. His son had clung to him when Dean set him down. Dean’s hurt feelings, Castiel could deal with. Dean was an adult and eventually Castiel would be able to talk to him and convince him that he was being irrational. Jimmy’s hurt feelings were different. He was only a child, just a little boy. He didn’t understand why his daddy wasn’t able to come home and read him a bedtime story.

 

Castiel sat down, taking a deep breath.

 

He’d try his hardest to get home on time today and for the rest of the week. The next time Crowley asked him to stay behind he’d apologize and firmly say “no”. Castiel could do that.

 

He needed to put his family first before the job. No one could say that Castiel hadn’t been a team player. He’d done everything that was asked of him but that had to stop now. Castiel was a father and that was more important than anything else.

 

Castiel picked up the pieces of the broken pencil and put them back in the pot. He didn’t feel much better but he had some idea of what he’d do next. That helped a little bit.

 

There was cough from behind him, the sound of someone clearing their throat and Castiel turned. His heart sank a little as he saw Crowley standing there. Before Dean had mentioned it, Castiel had never thought twice about how much of his time his boss monopolized. Now though he found himself wondering why Crowley couldn’t ask someone else for help. If he kept coming to Castiel, over and over again, then people would talk.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I know that scene before was unprofessional. It won’t happen again, I promise you.”

 

He wondered if that was what Crowley had come over to discuss. Castiel didn’t want to be reprimanded for something that he’d had no control over. He couldn’t make Dean do anything and he certainly wouldn’t have asked Dean to come in to the office, but that wouldn’t matter, he knew. Dean was his partner and the things he did reflected badly on Castiel.

 

“Don’t worry, Castiel,” Crowley said smoothly. “I know that was just an unfortunate incident. It’s all forgotten.”

 

Castiel let out a small sigh of relief. After the day he was having, he really couldn’t have dealt with a formal warning or any other kind of disciplinary process.

 

“Thank you,” he said. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”

 

“Yes,” Crowley said. “I was hoping you could stay behind tonight and help me with the Adler files.”

 

Castiel felt his heart sink. He’d thought things were too good to be true.

 

“I can’t,” he said, wishing the ground would open up and swallow him. He didn’t want to be rude and he felt that he was being so, especially since Crowley had been so kind about Dean’s sudden visit. “I need to spend some time at home with my family. I hope you understand.”

 

“That’s fine,” Crowley said quickly. “Obviously, your family should come first. I’ve been monopolizing your time recently, Castiel. I apologize. You’ve been a great help to me and I’ve taken advantage of that.”

 

“Oh,” Castiel said softly.

 

He hadn’t expected Crowley to be so understanding. It was completely different to talking with Dean. There were no wild accusations, no hurt feelings. Castiel supposed there shouldn’t be. His relationship with Crowley was on a completely professional setting. Castile was just so used to dealing with Dean that he almost come to expect everyone to be the same way.

 

“I do have a request though,” Crowley said.

 

“Yes?” Castiel asked.

 

“There’s a conference in a month. I’m required to go and I’m supposed to take someone from the office along with me. Provisionally, I’ve asked to take you, Castiel. I understand if your family commitments mean you’re unable to make it, but it would be a real feather in your cap if you could come,” Crowley said, smiling at him.

 

Castiel swallowed. He knew already that Dean wouldn’t like it.

 

“How long is the conference for?” he asked.

 

“Two days. The company will pay for your travel and overnight accommodation,” Crowley said.

 

Castiel nodded. He already knew he’d have to turn the offer down.

 

It would be good for his career, Castiel knew that, but he’d just been telling himself that he had to spend more time at home with his family. Dean already thought Castiel was having an affair. He wouldn’t understand why Castiel was going away overnight with his boss. Knowing Dean, he’d ignore the parts about the conference and he’d only focus on the fact that Crowley was going to be there.

 

“Thank you for the offer, but I really don’t think I can,” Castiel said quietly.

 

Crowley looked at him for a long moment then sighed.

 

“Castiel, I really don’t want to pry and I know this isn’t my business, but if you’re turning down this opportunity because of your boyfriend, then I think you’re making a mistake.”

 

Castiel bit his tongue. Dean was much more than simply Castiel’s boyfriend. He was the father of Castiel’s child. He was Castiel’s partner. They had been through so much together that calling Dean his boyfriend was too simplistic.

 

Crowley seemed to realize he’d said something wrong. He continued quickly, “I’ll make you a deal. I won’t ask you to stay late, if you come to the conference with me. I know you want to go really and I know this is important for your career. Do you think that might make things easier?”

 

Castiel considered the offer. If he was home in time for dinner and Jimmy’s bed time every night, it would take a lot of the strain off of Dean’s shoulders. Castiel would be around more often. He’d be able to be involved the way both Jimmy and Dean wanted him to be and going to the conference would ensure his career didn’t suffer. He could have the best of both worlds.

 

“I think Dean would understand that,” he said, nodding his head. He could surprise Dean by being home early tonight and explain the situation to him. Hopefully, by then, Dean would have realized how stupid he was being and he wouldn’t begrudge Castiel this chance.

 

“Good,” Crowley said. “I’ll make the arrangements then.”

 

He smiled at Castiel and Castiel smiled back at him. He didn’t understand how Dean could think Crowley was anything other than a nice man who slightly out of his depth. Dean was just determined to see issues were there weren’t any.

 

**

 

They were sitting together in the living room after diner when Castiel finally got around to telling Dean about the conference and Crowley’s suggestion. Castiel almost didn’t want to say anything. He’d been having such a lovely time, curled up in Dean’s arms, talking about nothing important but simply basking in the glow of being together. He’d known he’d have to say something at some point though. Sooner was always better than later.

 

“So, I’ll be away for two days over the weekend, but I’ll be able to be home in time for a family dinner every night. Don’t you think that’s a good compromise?” Castiel asked. He didn’t know what he expected Dean to say but he braced himself, waiting for the worst, but hoping for the best.

 

“I can’t believe you agreed to that!” Dean said angrily, getting up and stalking away from Castiel.

  
Castiel wondered how they could still be having the same argument. They seemed to go around in a circle, arguing about the same thing over and over again. It didn’t matter that Castiel was going to be free in the evenings. It didn’t matter that he’d made it home that night in time to read Jimmy his favorite bed time story. All that Dean seemed to focus on was the fact that Castiel had work commitments he didn’t agree with.

 

“Dean, I’m not going over this again. I’ve made my decision and it is final,” he said, not wanting to have to repeat himself again.

 

Dean looked at him sadly. He was standing so far away from him, practically on the other side of the room and it stung. Dean seemed to be forcing a distance between them, doing it on purpose.

 

“Is this because I can’t get you pregnant?” Dean asked suddenly.

 

Whatever Castiel had been expecting him to say, it hadn’t been that. He shook his head, not completely believing that he’d heard Dean right. With everything that had been going on, the thought of having another baby had flown completely out of his head. Castiel knew they were still trying but they weren’t as desperate as they’d been right at the start. He’d thought he and Dean were both being relaxed, simply letting nature take its course but now he realized Dean wasn’t relaxed about it at all. He looked tense and miserable.

 

“No,” Castiel said softly. “No, Dean, why would you think that?”

 

Dean shrugged. He looked away, unable to meet Castiel’s eye and that hurt too. Castiel wished Dean would just talk to him. He wished, if having another baby was the issue, that Dean had just said something rather than let the whole thing fester. The gap between them had grown too big for Castiel’s liking so he got up, crossing the room, and stood right in front of Dean.

 

“Dean, why didn’t you say something?” he asked.

 

“You had that test, nothing’s wrong with you. Whatever’s wrong, the problems me, isn’t it?” Dean said, his voice breaking. “I can’t get you pregnant.”

 

“Yes, you can,” Castiel said. “We had Jimmy. It will happen again. We just need to be patient.”

 

“But what if I can’t?” Dean demanded. “Would you leave me? Would you go off with someone who could?” He sounded so lost, so frightened at the prospect of Castiel leaving. It didn’t sound anything like the Dean Castiel was used to and it scared him. He didn’t understand how Dean could have let these feelings fester or how Castiel could have missed that they were there.

 

He wrapped his arms around Dean and cupped his chin in his hand, forcing Dean to look at him.

 

“Dean,” he whispered. “I love you. If I never get pregnant again, it doesn’t matter. We’re blessed to have Jimmy and he’s all I need. Another baby would be nice, but I don’t need it. I just need you.”

 

“Do you really mean that?” Dean asked quietly.

 

Castiel nodded. He tightened his grip on Dean, holding him as close as he could.

 

“You’re everything I ever wanted, Dean. I don’t want anyone but you.”

 

Dean sighed softly. “I just want to make you happy.”

 

“Then stop fighting with me,” Castiel said. “Let me go to this conference. Trust me, Dean. I trust you and you are much more likely to run off with a new girl rather than stay with me.”

 

“I wouldn’t,” Dean said angrily, his eyes flashing. “I’m not going to leave you, Cas. I’m not going to make a mistake like that again.”

 

“I know, I know. I was just illustrating a point,” Castiel said, rubbing Dean’s back, feeling how his muscles were tensed. “I love you, Dean and I trust you. I want you to trust me.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Dean mumbled. He pressed his face in to Castiel’s neck, drawing a deep breath. “I just love you so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

 

“You’re never going to find out,” Castiel promised, turning his head so he could kiss Dean. He pressed their mouths together, wishing with all his might that Dean would realize just how much Castiel loved him. If he could convince Dean with a kiss, then he would. Dean relaxed in to his arms, kissing Castiel back with just as much force as Castiel kissed him.

 

Castiel broke the kiss, feeling weak at the knees.

 

“Let’s go upstairs,” he said. He wanted to lie down with Dean and drown in Dean’s kisses. He wanted to drape himself over Dean and around him until Dean felt safe and knew that Castiel wasn’t going to leave him.

 

“I love you,” Dean said.

 

“I know,” Castiel said, pressing another hurried kiss to Dean’s lips. “I love you too.”

 

They made their way quietly up the stairs, hands locked together. They reached the bedroom and settled down on the top of the covers. There wasn’t anything sexual in it. Neither of them took off their clothes. Castiel wasn’t hard and when he pressed his thigh in between Dean’s legs, he could feel Dean wasn’t hard either. It wasn’t about sex, not this time. It was about needing a physical connection. They both needed to be close to one and other.

 

They lay, wrapped up in each other, curled tightly together. Dean’s breathing was labored, his eyes closed. Castiel kissed his cheeks, mouth, nose and prayed that Dean would come to realize just how much Castiel loved him. He prayed that this was the end of it. That the fights and the arguments would stop now.

 

He prayed that love would be enough to keep them together. He thought it was.

 

“You know you were my first, don’t you?” he whispered. He wondered if Dean did remember.

 

Dean opened one eye, looking at him in confusion. “Cas, you were thirty-five when we slept together. I was not your first.”

 

“I knew you’d forgotten,” Castiel said. “Don’t you remember at all? In your bedroom that summer? You put on AC/DC so loud you shook the house.”

 

“We were teenagers, it was just fooling around,” Dean said. “I lasted about five minutes. That doesn’t count.”

 

Castiel could remember every moment of it. When he shut his eyes, he was back on Dean’s bed, the beat of the song throbbing through him, Dean between his spread legs.

 

Dean was right, he hadn’t lasted long. He’d spent such a long time pressing his fingers into Castiel, spreading him out and listening to Castiel’s moans. They were both too close to the edge when Dean finally worked his cock inside him. He’d come after three thrusts.

 

The fact that it had been quick hadn’t bothered Castiel. He’d lain on the bed, squirming and full of Dean’s come and never wanted to leave.

 

“You were still my first,” Castiel said quietly. “It counted. It still counts.”

 

Dean opened both his eyes wide then, looking up at Castiel in surprise.

 

“Really?” he asked, stroking his hand up Castiel’s arm. “I was really your first?”

 

“My first, and my last,” Castiel said. “I only want you, Dean. I’ve only ever wanted you. I’ve loved you since we were sixteen, Dean. What else do I have to do to convince you of that?”

 

“You don’t have to do anything else,” Dean said softly, taking hold of Castiel’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I swear to you, Cas. I love you so much. I just can’t believe you’re mine sometimes. I can’t believe you forgave me after everything.”

 

“Dean, haven’t you worked it out yet? I’ve always been yours.”

 

Dean reached out, tugging Castiel to him to kiss him.

 

“I am so lucky,” he whispered.

 

Castiel felt his heart leap in his chest.

 

When they talked this time, it felt different. It felt as if something had changed. They weren’t just making promises to smooth over the cracks; they were really talking to each other. It felt as if Dean was finally being truthful with him. He wasn’t hiding his problems anymore and Castiel finally understood the doubts that had been plaguing him. He could help Dean put those doubts to rest now. Dean would never need to fear that he wasn’t enough for Castiel again.

 

They could move forward now. They didn’t need to dwell on the past or on false accusations.

 

Castiel found himself cautiously optimistic. He stroked Dean’s hair, looking down at him, unable to believe that Dean could have ever thought Castiel would want anyone other than him. He wondered how Dean didn’t realize he was Castiel’s everything. Castiel wouldn’t let him forget it ever again.

 

Things would get better. They’d work together to make sure they did.

 

He and Dean were too halves of a whole. They needed each other.

 

Everything else could be fixed as long as they were together. Castiel believed that implicitly.

 

**

**A Month Later:**

 

The trip had come around faster than Castiel had expected. The time had gone so quickly. Things had been better at home. He’d been around more and he’d found himself enjoying things again. Jimmy had perked up, he was bright and cheerful again and more talkative than he’d been when Castiel was working late.

 

He wasn’t the only one. Dean had perked up too.

 

Things had improved all over. Their sex life had jumped from almost non-existent to a much more enjoyable two or three time a week. They didn’t talk about babies. They were still trying, but Dean didn’t seem to still feel the crushing pressure that he had before. The sex was slow, loving – weekends spent tangled in bed while Jimmy was off with his uncles. They took their time exploring each other, reaffirming their desire for each other.

 

Castiel had been enjoying himself so much, that when the time came to pack up and take a weekend away, he found himself wishing he didn’t have to.

 

He found himself going through his things absentmindedly, his mind not really focused on the trip ahead. He packed a few shirts, a nice suit, the kind of things he’d wear to the office and then, although he couldn’t explain why, he threw a pregnancy test in to his overnight bag.

 

He’d been hesitant about taking one near Dean. If the result came back negative again, he didn’t know how Dean would react. Their hard won happiness could be jeopardized so easily. If Castiel took the test while he was away, it wouldn’t matter what the result was. If he got a positive, then he’d have fantastic news for Dean when he came home. If it was a negative, he’d simply throw it in the trashcan and get on with his life. Dean need never know.

 

He zipped up his suitcase and carried it downstairs. Crowley would be there any moment to pick him up as they’d arranged. Dean was lying on the living room floor with Jimmy, engrossed in building something made out of Lego. Castiel couldn’t tell if it was supposed to be a spaceship or a castle. Both of them seemed to be working on something else entirely, meeting only in the middle.

 

“I’m ready to go,” Castiel called to them. Dean looked up, grinning. He pushed himself up from the floor and made his way over the Lego to Castiel. He pulled Castiel in for a quick kiss and a hug.

 

“You’re going to call when you get there, right?” he asked.

 

“As soon as I check in to the room,” Castiel said. He glanced past Dean, just to make sure Jimmy was still playing with his Lego. He moved closer to Dean, whispering in his ear. “I wish I was taking you with me. A big bed in a hotel all to myself? It seems wrong.”

 

“Maybe you should call me when you’re going to bed too,” Dean murmured. “I could help you feel a little less lonely.”

 

“Maybe I will,” Castiel said. The prospect of phone sex was a perk he hadn’t considered before. It wouldn’t be anywhere near as good as having Dean with him but it did brighten up what otherwise promised to be a very dreary evening.

 

Dean smiled at him, kissing him again. “And I might have a surprise for you when you get home.”

 

Castiel raised an eyebrow, wondering what Dean had planned. He’d been very secretive about it, whatever it was. He’d dropped a few hints here and there, but only enough to make Castiel curious. Maybe it was the trip he’d talked about before. Castiel would much rather be heading for a weekend away with Dean. If he had that to look forward to in his future, it would certainly help him get through the conference.

 

Then Dean turned, slapping his hand against his leg to get Jimmy’s attention. “Oi, kiddo, your father’s leaving now. Come here and give him a kiss goodbye.”

 

Jimmy got to his feet, grumbling because he was half-way through building a turret, but he brightened up when Castiel bent down to kiss him. He smiled widely and pressed a wet, open mouthed kiss to Castiel’s cheek.

 

“Now, I want you to be good for daddy,” Castiel instructed Jimmy, trying to sound serious but he couldn’t stop smiling. He ran his fingers up and down Jimmy’s side, tickling him till he started to giggle loudly. “I’m going to miss you so much. You and daddy are going to call me, aren’t you?”

 

“Yes,” Jimmy answered, nodding his head emphatically

 

“Good, because I’m going to miss you both and I want to hear that you miss me too. I want to hear everything you two did today.” Castiel said.

 

He gave Jimmy one more tight hug before he got to his feet. He gave Dean another quick kiss on the cheek and then headed out in to the hallway. If he stayed with them any longer, he didn’t think he’d go. He thought he’d just call Crowley, tell him he was too sick to attend and then he’d lie on the floor with Dean and Jimmy and help them build their space castle.

 

It was such a lovely idea that for a moment Castiel hesitated.

 

Then there was a knock on the door. It was too late for Castiel to call in sick, his ride had already arrived. Castiel forced himself to pick up his suitcase and head out of the door. Crowley was waiting for him, leaning against his car, a posh black two-seater sports car. Castiel thought it looked like a waste of money, the sort of car that ate gas by the gallon but Dean would probably have been impressed with it.  He wouldn’t have liked it anywhere near as much as his Impala but he would have still enjoyed a look.

 

“All ready?” Crowley asked.

 

“As I’ll ever be,” Castiel said.

 

Crowley held his door open for him and Castiel got in to the car, taking a deep breath. The one good thing about the conference was that it was in driving distance. This way Castiel didn’t have to worry about being delayed in an airport. As soon as the conference was over tomorrow, he could jump in the car and Crowley would drive him straight back to his family where he really wanted to be.

 

**

 

Castiel opened the door to his hotel room, sighing. It was nearly 8 o’ clock and Castiel was exhausted. He’d managed to phone Dean when he checked in, but it had been a quick phone call. He’d only been on the line for about five minutes at most, just long enough to tell them he’d arrived and to speak to Jimmy, before there’d been a knock on his door and Crowley had swept him off to the first presentation of the day.

 

Now he was dead tired and he wanted to just order room service, curl up in bed and phone Dean for some of that promised phone sex.

 

Castiel toed off his shoes and considered drawing a bath. There was a huge bathtub and it seemed a shame not to take advantage of it. He could have a long, hot bath and work out some of that soreness. Castiel got to his feet, pausing just long enough to grab his overnight bag from his suitcase, before he headed in to the bathroom. He bent over the tub, making sure the plug was secure and turned on the water.

 

He opened his overnight bag, looking for the shower gel he’d packed when his eyes alighted on the pregnancy test thrown on top of his shaving kit and toothbrush. He pulled it out and looked at it.

 

Now would be as good a time as any to take the test, Castiel reasoned. He knew it worked best when done in the morning, but he had the test here in his hands right at the moment and he couldn’t see any reason to wait.

 

Five minutes later, Castiel found himself staring at a positive pregnancy test.

 

He sat down on the side of the bath, unable to believe the result. He shook the test, trying to see if the result changed but it stayed exactly the same – two blue lines, proving that Castiel was pregnant.

 

 

He didn’t understand how he could be. He hadn’t had any of the symptoms. He hadn’t felt nauseous, his nipples hadn’t been hurting. He hadn’t had any sudden weight gain. He’d felt completely normal but he had the test in his hands to show him that everything had changed.

 

Castiel took a deep breath. He wondered if the hotel would be able to get their hands on another test for him. He’d been holding on to the one he’d just taken for a few months. Castiel didn’t know if pregnancy tests could lose their effectiveness, but it sounded plausible. He wanted to take another test, just to prove that the result wasn’t a fluke, to prove that he really was pregnant.

 

There was a knock on the door.

 

Castiel sighed. He didn’t want to deal with whoever was there, unless they were willing to run out to an all-night drugstore and buy Castiel another pregnancy test.

 

He forced himself to put the test down and pulled the plug in the bathtub. He wasn’t going to get a bath tonight, he knew that already. He didn’t think he’d even be able to sleep. He was a jumble of nerves and excitement. He wanted to tell Dean but he didn’t want to get Dean’s hopes up. He needed to call Adam and make an appointment to confirm the test.

 

The knock came again, a little louder and more insistent this time, and Castiel hurried to the door.

 

He opened it and was surprised to find Crowley standing there. Crowley wasn’t someone Castiel wanted to see right at that moment. He didn’t mind his boss, but they weren’t exactly on the footing where Castiel could talk to him about the possibility of being pregnant and he wouldn’t, not before he told Dean.

 

“Did you want something?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound rude.

 

“I was wondering if you’d had dinner yet,” Crowley said. He stepped in to the room, his actions forcing Castiel back to accommodate him. “If not, I’d like to invite you to come to dinner with me.”

 

“Thank you,” Castiel said. “But I was just going to order room service.”

 

“That’s fine,” Crowley said. “We can have dinner in your room if you’d prefer.”

 

“Actually, I wanted to be alone,” Castiel said, no longer caring if he sounded rude or not. He didn’t see how else he could get Crowley to leave.

 

Castiel didn’t know if he even wanted to eat, his stomach was filled with butterflies, but he knew he certainly didn’t want company at a time like this. He waited for Crowley to get the message, to apologize and leave but he didn’t.

 

Instead, Crowley shut the door behind him.

 

“What are you doing?” Castiel asked, taking a step back.

 

“I invited you to this conference for a reason, Castiel,” Crowley said. “I know you have that oaf of a boyfriend so I could hardly make a move on you around him, but he’s not here. It’s only the two of us here.”

 

“You’re hitting on me,” Castiel said. He knew he was voicing the obvious but he couldn’t help himself. He’d given Crowley the benefit of the doubt, he’d defended him to Dean and all the time, Dean had been right.

 

“Since the first day I met you,” Crowley agreed. “At first I thought you were oblivious, but when I met that knuckle dragging ape, I realized you were just waiting to be rescued. I know you want me too, Castiel. You always said yes to me. You always stayed.”

 

Castiel felt sick. He put a hand to his stomach, unable to believe that Crowley could be saying these things to him on the same day that Castiel had found out he was pregnant. Crowley was standing there, calling Dean all sorts of names, and Castiel was carrying Dean’s child. It would have made him laugh, if it wasn’t so nauseating.

 

“You’re wrong,” he said quietly. “I wasn’t…that wasn’t why I stayed. You needed help.”

 

“They wouldn’t have given me the job if I needed that much help,” Crowley scoffed. He stepped closer to Castiel, trying to grab hold of his hand. “You and Dean are a mess. He doesn’t know what he’s got in you. I know. We’re here, we can be together. He doesn’t ever have to find out. You don’t ever have to go back to him if you don’t want to.”

 

“You’re delusional,” Castiel said, snatching his hand away. “I love Dean. I love him more than you could imagine. We have a wonderful family and I would never leave him.”

 

Crowley shook his head, his expression growing dark with anger.

 

“You little tease,” he hissed. “You’ve been tempting me since I joined the company! Bending over all the time, looking up at me through your lashes. And now I get you here and you say you don’t want me?”

 

“I never wanted you!” Castiel said hotly, his cheeks burning red because he didn’t like being accused of something he’d never done. He’d never actively set out to seduce Crowley and everything Crowley was saying was just in his head. All Castiel had ever been was friendly.

 

“How would you like to be unemployed?” Crowley snapped.

 

“What?” Castiel said.

 

“I thought I made myself very clear, Castiel. Either you make good on what you’ve been offering me, or you can look for a new jobs,” Crowley said.

 

Castiel hesitated for a moment. He couldn’t afford to lose his job, not now that he knew he was pregnant. He and Dean might have been able to support the three of them if he went back to work full-time but he wouldn’t make enough to look after another little mouth. Castiel didn’t even know what he could do. If he went back to the company and reported the threat Crowley had made, would they even believe him? Wouldn’t it just be Castiel’s word against his that anything ever happened? Couldn’t Castiel just close his eyes and let it happen? Dean would never have to know, Crowley was right about that at least. Castiel could keep his job and things would just continue.

 

Only thing wouldn’t just continue. Castiel would know and it would eat him up inside. The thought of Crowley touching him made him recoil in disgust. The thought of the betrayal, of what it would do to Dean and their relationship if he ever found out, was too awful to even think about. Castiel was carrying Dean’s child. He was Dean’s and he only ever wanted to be Dean’s. Letting Crowley use him, use his body, just for the sake a job was the worst choice Castiel thought he could make.

 

He and Dean would make it work. If Castiel lost his job, if people didn’t believe him about what Crowley had tried to do, then that was their problem. Castiel would get another job – he’d do anything rather than work under Crowley now.

 

Crowley seized upon his momentary hesitation, grabbing his arms and trying to force a kiss on him.  

 

Castiel wrenched himself out Crowley’s grip and shoved the man away. He hoped Crowley would stop, that he’d realize that Castiel was serious, not playing games with him. It didn’t bring Crowley to his senses. All that seemed to do was enrage him.

 

He slapped Castiel hard across the face.

 

Castiel gasped, tears prickling his eyes, from the shock more than the pain. He hadn’t been expecting the man to hit him. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting but violence hadn’t been it.

 

Crowley raised his hand again.

 

“Don’t you dare,” Castiel said angrily. “Don’t you dare! I’m pregnant.”

 

That stopped Crowley in his tracks. The man gaped at him open-mouthed. He looked almost comical with his bulging eyes and his gasping open mouth, like a fish that had been pulled out of the water and was beginning to suffocate.

 

Crowley certainly hadn’t been the first person Castiel wanted to tell, but Castiel wasn’t going to let Crowley jeopardize his baby. He knew he was taking a risk; that Crowley was just as likely to fly into a violent rage now as he was to stop, but before there’d been nothing to stop him from hitting Castiel. He might not care about Castiel, he might want to hurt him, but he might think twice about hurting an innocent life.

 

“How can you be pregnant?” Crowley hissed.

 

“You’re an intelligent man, I’m sure I don’t need to spell it out for you,” Castiel said angrily. He didn’t know what sort of fantasy Crowley had concocted in his head, but he obviously didn’t imagine Castiel and Dean were still sleeping together. Castiel was glad he could dispel that little lie. “And yes, before you ask, it is Dean’s baby.”

 

Crowley’s face turned red, then purple.

 

“You!” he spluttered, unable to articulate all the things he wanted to say about Castiel. Castiel was glad of that. He didn’t want to hear all the sick fantasies Crowley had dreamed up, didn’t want to hear the slurs he had for Castiel now that Castiel hadn’t proved to be the demure little thing Crowley had had imagined.

 

Castiel looked around quickly for something to help him, his eyes alighting on the phone beside the bed. He snatched it up, holding it in front of him like a shield.

 

“I only have to press one button and I’ll get through to reception,” he said, taking a step away from Crowley. “If you come near me again, I’ll tell them to call the police.”

 

“You stupid boy,” Crowley hissed. “If you tell anyone about this, I’ll ruin you!”

 

“Get out!” Castiel shouted.

 

Crowley was stupid if he thought Castiel wasn’t going to tell someone. He was going to call for the hotel security the moment the man was gone and then he was going to call Dean. He wasn’t going to let Crowley get away with this.

 

“Get out!” he said again as Crowley lingered by the door.

 

Crowley opened the door after what seemed like an eternity. There were people in the hallway. Castiel hadn’t realized their argument had been so loud. For a second, Crowley hesitated. It looked as if he might come back into the room and Castiel couldn’t stand that. He dropped the phone and lunged at Crowley, giving him one quick shove out in to the hallway. He pulled the door shut and locked it swiftly.

 

Even with the locked door Castiel didn’t feel safe. He backed away from the door, turning back to the phone. Quickly, he dialled the reception desk and explained that he needed someone from security. His heart was racing, his blood pumping. All Castiel could think about was how that couldn’t be good for the baby. He put his hand on his stomach, willing the little foetus to be strong. Castiel couldn’t stand it if he lost the baby now, not when he and Dean had been trying for so hard for it.

 

He stood up, pacing the length of the room, unable to keep still. He was too nervous. He was waiting for a knock on the door, waiting for the security guard but he knew Crowley was still out there. He wanted to call Dean but he couldn’t, not until he was sure he’d be able to tell Dean what had happened.

 

Castiel was frightened he’d get on the phone and he wouldn’t be able to speak, that the shame and the guilt of what had happened would freeze his tongue. He knew it wasn’t his fault, he did know that, but he still felt ashamed. Dean had told him Crowley was no good and Castiel hadn’t believed him, he’d put it down to Dean’s jealousy. Now he wished he’d taken a little of Dean’s warning to heart.

 

He didn’t even have a ride home now. He’d have to call Dean to come and collect him.

 

He caught sight of himself in the mirror as he walked. His cheek was bright red, the mark on it horrible, and Castiel was sure that would leave a bruise. He hoped it would leave a bruise. It would lead credence to Castiel’s story. Crowley was a fool if he thought Castiel wouldn’t do anything about this.

 

By the time the security guard knocked on the door, Castiel was shaking. The anger that had helped him, that had carried him through and given him the bravery to shove Crowley out of the room, was gone. Castiel kept replying things over and over in his mind, kept telling himself what could have happened and how lucky he was that it hadn’t.

 

He opened the door slowly, ready to slam it shut if it was Crowley again.

 

The man on the other side of the door was wearing a hotel blazer and he had a name tag that said ‘Victor’ on it. The man’s eyes widened as he looked Castiel over, focusing on the faded red mark on his cheek. Castiel sighed in relief and opened the door all the way.

 

“I think we might need to call the police,” he said. “And I need to call home.”

 

**

 

Castiel stood in front of the hotel, wrapped up tightly in his coat, Victor standing near-by, keeping an eye on him. The police had been and gone. They’d taken Castiel’s statement and advised him that they’d be in touch.

 

After that, Castiel had called Dean. He’d given him the bare bones of the story, stressing the fact that he needed Dean to collect him. It was only a two hour drive, but it was two hours more than Castiel was happy to spend in the hotel. He’d wanted a drink to steady his nerves, but he had the baby to consider now. One drink probably wouldn’t have done any harm, but Castiel wanted to hit the hard liquor and he wasn’t sure he could have stopped at one.

 

Instead, he’d packed his things together under Victor’s watchful eye and chosen to stand outside in the cool night air. He found it comforting to have Victor with him. He didn’t want to talk and the man seemed to understand that. He was there as a reassuring presence, protecting Castiel from whatever could be out there in the night.

 

Castiel didn’t know what the police had done with Crowley, if they’d arrested him or if they’d just taken his statement and filed it under a domestic disagreement. Castiel didn’t know what he was going to do about work. He didn’t think he could face heading in to the office on Monday, especially if Crowley was going to be there.

 

What he wanted was to get home and take a long, hot shower. He wanted to wash away the memories of Crowley and the attack, scrub at his skin till he felt clean. Then he wanted to crawl in to his own bed and gather Dean and his precious son close to him. He wanted to stay in bed, wrapped up in the safety and security of the two of them. He wanted to tell them that Jimmy was going to have a new baby brother or sister.

 

He caught sight of the Impala moving through the traffic, indicating to turn off towards the hotel, and he felt his heart beat quicken. Dean was there. Castiel was going home now. Everything was going to be okay. For the first time since the attack, Castiel really felt safe.

 

The Impala drove up to the curb in front of the hotel, screeching to a halt, and Dean jumped out.

 

“Cas!” he called, catching sight of Castiel standing there in front of the building and he ran to him, dragging him in to his arms. “Are you okay? What happened? Where is the bastard? I’ll kill him, Cas, I swear, I’ll kill him.”

 

“Dean,” Castiel said patiently, although he couldn’t deny the thrill that ran through him. Dean’s possessiveness had been a hindrance before, but now Castiel positively relished it. He wanted to soak up all of Dean’s protective goodwill until he didn’t feel frightened or alone any more. Dean was here now, he told himself. Whatever else happened, Dean was here and things would be okay. “Please, Dean, I just want to go home.”

 

“Okay,” Dean said. He bent to pick up Castiel’s bag, carrying it towards the car. Castiel paused for a moment to thank Victor for taking care of him before he followed Dean to the car. He wondered if he should call the hotel when everything was over and tell them that Victor had been an excellent representative for them. He’d made sure Castiel was looked after and he deserved some praise for that.

 

Castiel felt better as he slid in to the Impala, settling down into the leather seats. The scent of the car was familiar. Castiel had been riding around in this car since he was a teenager. He’d had his first kiss with Dean in this car. That had been his first kiss ever. They’d driven Jimmy home from the hospital in this car on the day he was born. He and Dean and this car were intrinsically linked. The Impala as much as anything signified family to Castiel.

 

He curled tight in to himself, waiting for Dean to join him. He didn’t have to wait very long. A few seconds later the driver’s side door opened and Dean slid in to the car.

 

“Let’s get you home,” he said, reaching over to brush his fingers through Castiel’s hair. Castiel leaned in to his touch, wanting so badly to just be held by Dean. He felt that everything awful would just melt away if Dean held him. That soft touch was over too soon though. Dean put his hand back on the wheel and started up the engine. They drove away from the hotel and Castiel wasn’t sorry to see it disappear in the rear view mirror as the car ate up the miles.

 

Dean glanced at him once they’d got a little way down the road, obviously wanting to say something.

 

“Are you okay?” he asked. “We don’t have to talk about it. Not if you don’t want to.”

 

Castiel smiled. He knew Dean wanted to talk about it. He knew Dean well enough to see he was holding himself back, but he was thankful that Dean was trying. Castiel knew that. If he told Dean he didn’t want to talk about it, then Dean wouldn’t ask him again. It wouldn’t matter how curious Dean was, he’d respect what Castiel wanted. But if Castiel did want to talk, then Dean would listen, no matter how painful it was. It was one of the reasons why Castiel loved him. Dean would do whatever his family needed of him.

 

“It’s okay, we can talk about it,” Castiel said softly.

 

“What did he do to you? Did he touch you?” Dean asked, his voice trembling as he spoke.

 

“He grabbed me, slapped me, but that was all, Dean. He didn’t do anything else. He didn’t get the chance.”

 

“What made him think you wanted that? That you wanted him?” Dean asked angrily, his grip on the steering wheel tightening.

 

“He’d concocted a whole fantasy in his head where I wanted him. None of it was real. Every time I was nice to him, every time I offered to help him, it just fed in to his fantasy. You turning up at the office even fed in to it. He convinced himself I wanted him to save me from you.” Castiel shook his head. The whole thing sounded like the story line of a soap opera. He couldn’t believe that it had happened to him and he’d been there, he had the bruises to prove that the whole thing had actually happened.

 

“I told you I didn’t trust him,” Dean muttered.

 

“Yes, you did,” Castiel said, curling in to himself defensively.

 

“I didn’t mean…Cas, you couldn’t have known he was going to do something like this! I didn’t know! I’m not trying to blame you,” Dean said agitatedly. He checked his mirrors and pulled the car over to the side of the road, parking them up there. He turned to face Castiel, unclipped his seat belt. “Can I hug you? I didn’t mean it like that, Cas, I swear I didn’t.”

 

Castiel let Dean pull him close, let him fuss over him and worry over the bruise on his cheek.

 

“If I ever get my hands on him, if he ever comes near you again, Cas, I swear I’ll kill him,” Dean murmured, pressing a kiss to Castiel’s hair.

 

“I know,” Castiel said. Dean might say thoughtless things but his heart was in the right place. He wanted to protect Castiel and Castiel knew that if Dean ever did see Crowley again, there would be blood. It was comforting, even if it was impractical. He lifted his head and kissed Dean softly before pulling away. “You know, knowing the luck we have, a police car is going to pull over and think we’re about to engage in acts of public indecency. We should get home, I want to see Jimmy. Where is he?”

 

“I called Sam. He came straight over,” Dean said.

 

“Good,” Castiel said. Jimmy would probably be tucked up in bed asleep. Sam would have given him some warm milk and read him a bedtime story and Jimmy wouldn’t know there was anything wrong. He never had to know. That was for the best. Castiel didn’t want his son awake and worrying. Sam wouldn’t have let him. He would have made everything as normal as possible. “Can we go home, Dean? I want to see him. I won’t wake him up.”

 

“Just wait a moment though, there’s something I wanted to give you,” Dean said. He dug his hand in his pocket and pulled out a little black box. He passed it nervously across to Castiel. “I wanted to ask you when you came back from the conference. It’s the surprise I told you I had for you.”

 

Castiel took the box from Dean, his heart beating faster. He knew what was going to be in the box, but part of him still didn’t believe it. He didn’t think Dean wanted this. He thought Dean was happy with things the way the where. Dean had never said anything about getting married. Considering Dean’s past attempt, that had never surprised Castiel. Marriage, weddings and everything they entailed, had never been something they’d talked about.

 

Castiel opened the box, his fingers trembling as he did.

 

In the box, nestled in to a red velvet lining, was a plain silver ring.

“I didn’t know what you’d like,” Dean said apologetically. “I thought plain was best. I thought, when we get married, I could get it inscribed for you.”

 

Castiel stared at the ring. He thought it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

 

“When we get married?” he repeated. He still didn’t believe it. It felt unreal, too good to be true.

 

“Yes, I’m asking you to marry me, Cas,” Dean said, biting his lip and looking so nervous, although Castiel didn’t know why.

 

He would have thought Dean would know his answer by now.

 

He picked up the ring, feeling the weight of it in his palm, and held it out for Dean.

 

“Put it on me, please.”

 

Dean took the ring from him and carefully held Castiel’s hand, slipping the ring slowly on to his finger.

 

“Is that a yes, then?” he asked.

 

“It’s a yes,” Castiel agreed, smiling at him. Dean smiled back, looking relieved. Castiel shook his head, able to understand how Dean could have thought he’d say no. “I love you, you know.”

 

“I love you too, I just didn’t know if you wanted to get married. I thought you did but after that whole mess I made with Anna,” Dean trailed off.

 

“That’s the past and this is the future,” Castiel said. They had to draw a line in the sand, had to put everything behind them. They had to look to the future.

 

He put a hand on his stomach, the future very much at the forefront of his mind.

 

“Dean, before we get going, there’s something I need to tell you,” he said.

 

Dean nodded, waiting for him to go on.

 

“I’m pregnant,” Castiel said.

 

For a second, everything was deathly quiet. Then Dean took a deep breath.

 

“How? When did you know?” he asked. His eyes narrowed. “You’re pregnant and that bastard tried to touch you!”

 

“Dean,” Castiel said, grabbing hold of Dean’s hand and holding it tightly in his own. “Please, please don’t talk about him. Talk about our baby, about our future.”

 

Dean swallowed, nodding.

 

“When did you know?” he asked again.

 

“I took a test in the hotel room, just before…”Castiel trailed off, leaving the rest of it unsaid. It had been awful to go from such pure joy to such terror in the space of a few minutes. He wanted to badly to focus now on the baby and just the baby. He wanted to feel happy.

 

“I can’t believe it, after all that trying,” Dean said quietly.

 

“I know,” Castiel said. He placed Dean’s hand against his stomach. It was still early days, far too early for Castiel to have a bump or for Dean to feel the baby moving but that didn’t matter. “Do you want a boy or a girl?”

 

“I don’t know,” Dean said, still looking completely awestruck. “I thought if we had a boy, we could name him after my grandfather. Henry is a great name for a boy, especially since he’ll be a Winchester.”

 

Castiel looked down at the ring glinting on his finger.

 

“I like the name Henry,” he agreed.

  
  
  


**

 

**Epilogue:**

 

Castiel reached for Dean’s hand, smiling up at him. The last time he’d come in for a five month scan, he’d been on his own.  It had felt so cold and impersonal, and Castiel had felt like a failure because the father of his child wasn’t with him. This time, he had Dean at his side to help him through.

 

The radiologist, Ruby, smeared cool gel on his stomach and Castiel gasped because it was colder than he remembered it being. Meg, his specialist, looked up from his chart, pulling a face when she saw Castiel and Dean’s clasped hands. Castiel scrunched up his face at her. He knew Meg didn’t like public displays of affection, but Castiel was happy and he wasn’t going to stop. She’d called Dean a deadbeat dad once. Castiel wanted to bask in the fact that Dean was anything but.

 

Dean had been with him through every moment of this pregnancy and he’d supported Castiel in any number of ways.

 

Castiel had tried to go back to work. He’d lodged a formal complaint with the company but he’d found it impossible to be in the office. He couldn’t concentrate, terrified that any moment Crowley would come through the door. He’d handed in his resignation at the end of the week. Dean had gone back to work full-time. They’d discussed finances and hours and decided Castiel could work from home. He’d taken on a few clients, but the work was much less stressful and Castiel had more time to spend with Jimmy.

 

Dean came home at 5:30 on the dot. He was there with backrubs and foot-rubs, ready to drive out in the middle of the night when Castiel had cravings and anything else Castiel needed just as he’d promised to be. Dean had done everything. It was so completely different to the first time around, when Dean could only see him when he could slip away from his other life.

 

Now they were going to see the first sonogram picture of their baby and finally learn the little one’s sex. Castiel licked his lips, hardly able to believe it was real. He found himself wanting to kiss Dean, to reaffirm their love.

 

“There’s the baby,” Ruby said.

 

Castiel turned his head to look at the screen just as she said “And there’s the other one.”

 

“Other one?” he repeated, not completely convinced he’d heard her right.

 

“Oh yes,” Ruby said, nodding her head. “No doubt about it. You’re having twins.”

 

“Twins!” Dean said delightedly, squeezing Castiel’s hand tightly.

 

“And you were worried you wouldn’t be able to get me pregnant,” Castiel muttered, shaking his head.

 

He stared at the blurry picture on the screen which showed two unmistakeable baby shaped blobs. He felt his heart skip a beat. He hadn’t wanted twins. He’d been emphatic about that, but now they were here, growing inside of him, Castiel felt the same swell of love and pride wash over him as he had when he’d seen the sonogram of Jimmy for the first time.

 

“I’ll be seeing you more often then, Castiel,” Meg said, clicking the top of her pen, scribbling down something on his notes. “We’ll have to keep a close eye on you.”

 

“What are we having?” Castiel asked, unable to keep the excitement out of his voice.

 

“A little boy and it looks like a little girl,” Ruby said, peering a little closer. “Of course, I can’t be completely certain. You’ll know when they’re born, but that’s what I’d put my money on.”

 

“Well, Adam did warn us this could happen,” Dean said, beaming.

 

Castiel nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He licked his lips. He knew he’d been big, but he’d been big when he was pregnant with Jimmy. The thought of being pregnant with twins hadn’t even crossed his mind.

 

“That’s your son and daughter,” he whispered.

 

“Yours too,” Dean whispered back, pressing a kiss to Castiel’s cheek. “We’ll have a new page boy and a bridesmaid for the wedding then.”

 

Castiel smiled, looking down at the engagement ring on his hand. He never would have imagined that his life would have so many twists and turns, so many ups and downs. Both he and Dean had been tested, but they had made it; they’d stayed together despite everything that had been thrown at them. Castiel loved Dean more than anything in the world and he knew Dean felt the same way.

 

“So, you picked out any names for girls?” Dean asked.

 

“Emma?” Castiel suggested. He hadn’t really thought about it. He’d been waiting for this scan, waiting to know for sure what he was having before he started looking at baby names in earnest. He’d had a few favorites but they hadn’t talked about it. If anything, they’d both been expecting another boy and they already had a name picked out for that eventuality. Now he saw the picture on the sonogram screen, Castiel knew that his daughter was an Emma.

 

“So they’ll be Emma and Henry? Yeah, I like that,” Dean said, his grin stretching wide across his face. “Just wait till we tell Jimmy.”

 

Castiel knew their son would be delighted. He’d been bouncing back and forth between the idea of having a little girl around like Eve, or having a baby brother so he could be the same as his dad and Uncle Sam. Now Jimmy would get the best of both worlds.

 

They all would.

 

The future looked bright for all of them.

 

Castiel was so grateful for his family. All he’d ever wanted, since he knew what wanting was, was to be with Dean. He thought he’d missed his chance a long time ago. He never could have imagined that thing would turn out the way they would. That he and Dean would have children together and that Dean would ask Castiel to marry him. It was like something out of Castiel’s wildest dreams, but it was better because every second of it was real.

 

He was Dean’s and Dean was his.

 

That was the only thing that mattered.

 

 


End file.
